CHICAGO — This week saw the passing of Chicago born songwriter and performer William Perry Jr., better known as DJ Casper.

"There’s always been a lot of dog walkers, but we were disturbed to see a nearly 400% annual rise in dogs on the trail."

Other passengers corroborated Bolland's story, saying they too had seen a stupid dumb idiot reaching for the cord, even though “Stop Requested” was visible on the bus’s display.

“We could’ve kept the sixes going honestly,” said Herman Ridgeman, 54, regional manager at the downtown Clark Street location. “But we didn’t want to show off. Also, we couldn't figure out the keyboard shortcut to type the 6 with that line at the top.”

“There is a lot of trash in there. You just won’t see us put it in there while you’re eating.”

At first, I didn’t think anything of the High Noon cans littering the sidewalk. Then I saw one man in a Cubs hat and just figured he was a casual fan. But then, like a hoard of locusts reigning plague upon the Egyptians.

The shortcut — which briefly took van Gisbergen off the track and up the stairs of the museum — allowed van Gisbergen to pass through the Deering Family Galleries wing and out a window back to the track. While maneuvers like this are not encouraged by NASCAR, they are allowed if the driver makes it look cool. 

Commuters, public transportation and emergency vehicles have all been given the go-ahead to join the race if they’re trying to get somewhere, but have been warned they will not be allowed to win unless they drive the full race.

“Wrigleyville is a perfect example of what can happen when straight people are given too much leeway, for too long,” Arlo Dates, 21, ranted. “Obviously everyone deserves a chance to feel included and celebrated… but enough is enough.” 

Onlookers estimate the pigeon must have been no more than two months old, but said it was eating trash off the ground in the alley like a bird who’d been doing it for years.