Bachelors Gearing Up For Slops And Goops Season

GARDEN APARTMENTS CITY-WIDE — There might be a chill in the air, but there’s a spring in the step of the city’s uncuffed as the frost appearing on the outside of their hurricane glass can only mean one thing—it’s slops and goops season for Chicago’s bachelors!

The Grand High Bachelor Eustace Flem, 89, announced the start of slops and goops season in the normal way by blowing a clarion call on the Bachelor Shofar, normally kept under lock and key in his garden apartment in Avondale, where he’s lived alone since 1978.

“With this call,” he yelled through his front door, startling several nearby joggers, “I announce the slops and goops season officially...commenced!”

“Stews, soups, chilis, and everything in between, so long as it’s wet!” explained a jubilant Rich Menachre, 32, when The Chicago Genius Herald asked him what exactly he felt constituted a slop. “If it pours out of a spoon, ends up on your face when you eat it and can be sopped up with a big, cloudy slice of white bread then by Jove, you’ve got a goop my friend.”

“Sometimes I don’t even look at what I put into it,” said Julia Granclef, 28, dropping several whole Dungeness crabs into a quietly purling brown liquid she’s been heating on her stovetop for 17 hours. “Tubers, onions, beans, an old boot? Who cares! Just hit it with some paprika and thyme, then make sure you add in a little bit of flour to thicken ‘er up once it really starts bubbling and you’ll eat like a lord for a week.”

Although COVID-19 restrictions remain in place, Grand High Bachelor Flem insists that roving bachelors may petition for a bowl of goop at any garden apartment they can find within the city limits, provided they can find a triangle with a diagonal slash etched somewhere onto the stoop of the apartment in question.

“To be a bachelor is more than to be single, it is an order of brothers and sisters,” Flem said. “So long as I hold this office, no bachelor will go hungry while a slop gets progressively more baked onto the bottom of a dutch oven this winter, so swears I.”

An aide for the Mayor’s Office issued a statement on the commencement of slops season, stating, “although we do not condone the sharing of slops or goops while the pandemic continues, we will recognize and respect the Grand High Bachelor’s decision to celebrate this time of year. Plus, anyone who can down a bowl of bachelor goop and not immediately die probably isn’t going to be fazed by the coronavirus either.”


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