CHICAGO — For lovers of cheap beer, this has been a hard week as the Pabst Brewing Co. announced the discontinuation of Schlitz, a classic brew with a fan base that ranges from the ironic to “not sure what irony is.” Danny “Danman” Thompson, a long-time fan of the brand, mourned the loss of his favorite beer by trying to drink Hamm’s, another midwestern staple, even though it was “like drinking poison.”
“Schlitz was my go-to,” said Edgewater native and longtime day-drinker Thompson, “I think my tastes are a little too refined for just an Old Style or a PBR, so I liked going one dollar more to really treat myself to the sophisticated Schlitz. I used to call it ‘Ritzy Schlitzy.’ Always got a laugh from bartenders. Fuck, I’m cryin’ again!”
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As he mourned the loss of the 177 year old brand, Thompson tried to numb the pain with sips from a blue can of Hamm’s, wincing after every taste.
“Oh god, what’s in this stuff, paint thinner and rat poison?” said Thompson of the American-style lager that was replacing his favorite American-style lager. “Oh wait, here it is, Schlitz is 4.6%abv and this stuff is 4.7%! I might as well be drinking Everclear in a ditch!”
When we asked other, less experienced Chicago drinkers if they really could notice the difference between very similarly brewed beers, most said they preferred hard seltzer or the THC drinks that have become beer’s fiercest competition. One guy kept joking that all cheap beer tastes like piss, but he was one of those guys who only drinks those really strong IPAs that tastes like old, thick juice, so we ignored him.
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“People just don’t get it” said Thompson. “Schlitz was more than just a pale lager. It was blacking out in the backroom of your third favorite bar, playing pool with a stranger named Gunner and knowing you’ll end the night texting your landlord and asking if he’s mad at you. It was a little bit of magic in a can.”
“All around the city you can see those cool globe signs for Schlitz built into walls,” continued Thompson, getting a far-off, lost look in his eyes. “Those used to be the kind of bars this city was built on. Now they’re upscale brunch restaurants and Schlitz is gone. One day I’ll be gone too.”
Thompson then chugged the rest of his Hamm’s and seemed like he might be coming around on the taste.
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“You know what? Not bad. Kinda tastes like Schlitz once you get used to it. ‘From the Land of Sky Blue Waters?’ What is that, some Avatar shit?”
