CHICAGO – News outlets have swarmed to the apartment complex of a young woman currently letting down not only herself, but the city at large. But it’s not about what she’s done, it’s about what she’s let slip through the cracks. Starting with the first warm caress of Memorial Day sunshine, Cassidy Touhy, 24, has made the mistake many Chicagoans make during these short summer months: simply not enjoying the season to the absolute fullest extent.
Touhy has absolutely fumbled the precious few months of the Chicago summer that one can actually enjoy the outdoors. Although it’s July, experts agree that it’s much too late for her, and she’s gotta try again next summer. “I’ve got a lot of July left! Two whole days! I could uhhh…. Go to the lake? And maybe see a movie? Oh, but if I see The Odyssey that’s a whole day gone.” Touhy mumbled, becoming increasingly panicked.
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“We see this a lot, especially with transplants. They underestimate how short the season will actually be. They’re always figuring that next weekend they’ll go out to the lake, patio, or outdoor concert,” Linda Grabelli, 45, Chicago’s Seasonal Time Wasting Expert, commented. “Rookie mistakes. If you aren’t rollerskating topless down Lake Shore Drive by June 1st, you’ll never catch up.”
Touhy unsuccessfully tried to defend her case: “Look, this summer has been absolutely crazy. From frigidly cold days, to tornado warnings, to wildfire smoke, the days we can actually be outside and having fun have been extremely limited,” she argued. Our sources assured us that real Chicagons don’t let a little poison air or dangerous levels of heat stop them from getting out and about and absolutely slamming beers that have already gotten sand in them.
Thankfully, Touhy has been given a second chance to seize the seasonal spirit. She’s packed her September and October with all manner of street fairs, pub crawls, and pumpkin patches to make up for lost time. Because if you aren’t exhausted and grateful for the first frost, you aren’t enjoying life to the fullest.
