BUDLONG WOODS – “You know I’m such a fool for you…” can still be heard, flatly echoing off the empty walls of beloved Chicago karaoke hideaway, Hidden Cove. Neighbors were devastated to learn that longtime constitution Hidden Cove is closing its sticky doors on September 15th, and your shaky and off-key rendition of the Cranberries’ “Linger” is solely to blame. Yes, yours.
“Oh yeah, this economy is actually perfect for running a divey karaoke bar frequented by drunk white people,” bartender and Karaoke Snob Pete Pitch told our reporters. “We were doing fine, until that one person just really destroyed the entire legacy of the Cranberries. He should apologize to Ireland.”
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Reportedly, the space is being turned into condominiums. (That’s probably your fault too.)
“I can only pray for those poor people that move in there,” Pitch intoned. “They’ll never be able to enjoy a karaoke night again. Possibly even their singing in the shower will forever be haunted by the not-so-dulcet tones of someone that just would not stop going up and singing when clearly nobody wanted them to.”
Experts might say that most people at least sound charmingly green when, after a few drinks, your friends goad you into taking the microphone and singing along to a Youtube karaoke backup. The key word there being “most.” You clearly are not within the majority of passable public singers.
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“It’s certainly not the best environment in which to really hone your vocal craft,” Professional Voice Coach Amanda Lennox, conceded. “But what this person did to those beautiful notes… we’ve never seen anything like it. It was bad in a way that we didn’t know the human voice could be.”
We’ve gotten insider information that both public and private entities are cracking down on business-killing karaoke singers. The area’s Alderman, Andre Vasquez, is putting a policy in place to get them banned from other karaoke establishments, and Trader Todd’s is filing a restraining order just to be safe.
