BROADVIEW — For the past two weeks, some of Chicago Genius’ bravest 5’6” to 5’9” reporters have been embedded undercover within ICE patrols deployed across our city, to bring you stories from the front lines of this unprecedented federal overreach. From Broadview, the suburban location of ICE’s controversial detention facility, one Chicago Genius reporter witnessed scenes of hunger, disillusionment and cheese-stuffed pretzel snacks within ICE ranks.
As ICE raids continue across the wider Chicagoland area, more residents are becoming angry with officers’ presence in their community, even when it’s off-hours and they aren’t arresting and beating them. Some agents have reported being turned away from local businesses, denying them access to bathroom facilities and delicious, hot meals.
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For most nights this week, this Chicago Genius reporter has witnessed ICE agents resorting to eating Combos purchased at a nearby gas station for dinner. Morale is low and sodium intake is high as these agents subsist off the popular cheese-product-filled snack food, and they’re increasingly concerned they might not get a decent meal for the foreseeable future.
“We were going to go to this Italian beef place that was on The Bear but they told us to ‘fuck off,’” said Josh Luncle, 32, an ICE agent from Houston, TX. “Whatever, it wasn’t even the restaurant from the show, just the place they used for pick-up shots of the walk-in. I didn’t even want a meat sandwich. I wanted pizza-flavored Combos and a Celsius. I actually love this!”
Despite the fact that most ICE agents are the kind of guys who can survive on gas station food, drink, Zyns and behind-the-counter supplements that claim to improve sexual potency but just make your vision blurry, many confess to long for the comfort of a hot meal and not be mocked everywhere they go.
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“The whole reason I joined ICE was so no one would ever laugh at me ever again,” said Luncle, “but when we’re walking around Chicago in full gear after a long day harassing everyone we see that looks un-American, it’s like people fucking hate us! It’s not fair, we don’t even have weapons to make them respect us!”
ICE agents report their efforts to find food and a place to use the restroom are frequently met with pushback from locals, saying even when they yell about how hungry they are or do the “pee-pee dance” to demonstrate how badly they need to use facilities, they are dismissed and ridiculed.
“I just want to eat and tinkle without being called ‘The Well-Feds,’ or ‘Icing and Custard Enjoyers,’ or ‘Special Divorces,’” said Luncle, who dumped the remainder of a bag of classic cheddar pretzel Combos into his mouth with tears in his eyes. “How’d they even know my ex hates me?”
