LOWER LOWER WACKER — For the past two weeks, some of Chicago Genius’ bravest and reddest-necked reporters have been embedded undercover within ICE patrols deployed across our city, to bring you stories from the front lines of this unprecedented federal overreach. The first of these stories comes from downtown Chicago, where several DHS and ICE agents have been wandering aimlessly on Lower Lower Wacker for days after the GPS on their phones stopped working.
According to our reporter, Department of Homeland Security agent Doug Bruckton, 40, took an initial wrong turn onto Lower Wacker on Saturday when he and the other four agents in their SUV were all scrolling Instagram. The agents have since attempted to deny this to our undercover reporter, who was also in the car.
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Bruckton then reportedly broke into a panic. “He’s from Tampa, so he gets scared when he can’t see the sun,” border patrol agent Todd Chelson, 38, told our reporter. “This is pretty scary for all of us, but Doug takes it especially bad. If he wasn’t always wearing sunglasses you’d still see the whites of his eyes for sure.”
After calming Bruckton down with a sugar cube, the five men in the SUV attempted to correct their course by referring to their phones’ GPS systems, all of which lost service simultaneously. “Why map stop? Help? Help!” ICE agent Jeff Teton, 37, repeatedly cried.
Our reporter recounts that, after at least one phone was thrown out the window in anger, all four men began shouting directions to Bruckton at the same time. The resulting series of wrong turns led them to the sub-level of streets below Lower Wacker, from which the men have been unable to escape since Saturday.
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The agents circled the service roads and impound lots until late Sunday, when the vehicle ran out of gas and they were forced to continue on foot. Our reporter reveals that by this time the interior of the SUV smelled “evil,” and they were able to slip away to the surface via a nearby stairway for some fresh air and to share this story with us.
At press time, the forlorn agents have set up a makeshift camp against a large concrete pylon, and have so far been unsuccessful in catching a rat to eat. We will continue to update this story as we follow their progress.
