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New Rat Exhibit at Field Museum Definitely Not Rebranded Rat Infestation

The new, permanent exhibit, which takes place on every floor and in every gallery of the historic museum, highlights the evolution of modern rat as well as giving visitors a chance to see numerous live rats.

Friend with SLEEP Tee Somehow Most Levelheaded About Marijuana Legalization

“Look, I’m not saying taking taking a heavy rip doesn’t make a heavy riff rule, but we also should consider how the sudden legalization of a controlled substance is going to fall prey to moneyed interests who are going to move quickly to capitalize on what will undoubtedly be a massive market for Illinois."

Safest Path Into Journalism Being Elected Mayor Of Chicago

Journalism programs across the country have begun advising students to become Chicago’s mayor first if they’re serious about making a career in a newsroom.

Man Reading Book On 'L' Twisted Little Pervert Desperate For Attention

"When he found where he’d left off the last time, he made this horrible little smile that just made my blood run cold."

Ricketts Family Unveils Plans for “Poors Only” Bleachers At Wrigley Field; Cubs Fans Rejoice

Todd Ricketts clutched a sack with a large dollar sign printed on the outside as he reassured the entirely unconcerned crowd that “binocular rentals will be available for these peons. 

"Yes, And?” CTA Says “No” as Shameless Improvisors Perform for New HD Surveillance Cameras

It was supposed to be a boon to security across the city. After eleven months, the CTA finally finished installing high-definition cameras in subway stations all along the Red and Blue Lines.

No One Has Heart To Tell Doughy Out-Of-Towners That Photo Of Marina Towers Going To Look Like Complete Shit

The Runcibles, who hail from Milwaukee, were reportedly seen on the State St. Bridge around 4 p.m. on May 3rd, trying their absolute hardest to get a good angle on the Marina Towers and by all indicated reports making a real hash of it.

Tribune Tower Always Dreamed Of Life As Sparsely Populated Luxury Condos

“I’ll miss all of my co-workers at Tribune Media,” the building continued, “but when I really started being honest with myself, I’ve always fantasized about contributing to the increasing income disparity of my city by providing shelter to some of its most affluent citizens in the heart of our deeply characterless and bland downtown.”

Everyone on Train Listening to Their Own Podcast

“I’m actually just listening to make sure this holds up to our standards before we release it” recounted David Dennis, who records his ironic bad-business-idea podcast “Entrepremanure” into a first generation iPod Touch that was recently dropped into wet sidewalk cement.

Spring Snow Reminder That Nothing Matters, Also Money Is Fake, Heaven and Hell Here on Earth

“When I wake up and look outside and see it’s snowing in late April, I feel like God is playing a sick joke on me,” said Gwen Esteves, 26, “but then I’m reminded that God was a lie invented to keep us from panicking about our own mortality. Personally, I no longer fear death. If it’s snows one more time I’m going to go outside and let it claim me.”