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Safest Path Into Journalism Being Elected Mayor Of Chicago

Journalism programs across the country have begun advising students to become Chicago’s mayor first if they’re serious about making a career in a newsroom.

Man Reading Book On 'L' Twisted Little Pervert Desperate For Attention

"When he found where he’d left off the last time, he made this horrible little smile that just made my blood run cold."

Ricketts Family Unveils Plans for “Poors Only” Bleachers At Wrigley Field; Cubs Fans Rejoice

Todd Ricketts clutched a sack with a large dollar sign printed on the outside as he reassured the entirely unconcerned crowd that “binocular rentals will be available for these peons. 

"Yes, And?” CTA Says “No” as Shameless Improvisors Perform for New HD Surveillance Cameras

It was supposed to be a boon to security across the city. After eleven months, the CTA finally finished installing high-definition cameras in subway stations all along the Red and Blue Lines.

No One Has Heart To Tell Doughy Out-Of-Towners That Photo Of Marina Towers Going To Look Like Complete Shit

The Runcibles, who hail from Milwaukee, were reportedly seen on the State St. Bridge around 4 p.m. on May 3rd, trying their absolute hardest to get a good angle on the Marina Towers and by all indicated reports making a real hash of it.

Tribune Tower Always Dreamed Of Life As Sparsely Populated Luxury Condos

“I’ll miss all of my co-workers at Tribune Media,” the building continued, “but when I really started being honest with myself, I’ve always fantasized about contributing to the increasing income disparity of my city by providing shelter to some of its most affluent citizens in the heart of our deeply characterless and bland downtown.”

Spring Snow Reminder That Nothing Matters, Also Money Is Fake, Heaven and Hell Here on Earth

“When I wake up and look outside and see it’s snowing in late April, I feel like God is playing a sick joke on me,” said Gwen Esteves, 26, “but then I’m reminded that God was a lie invented to keep us from panicking about our own mortality. Personally, I no longer fear death. If it’s snows one more time I’m going to go outside and let it claim me.”

Patrons at Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville Navy Pier Conscripted into Naval Service

Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville has assured customers that the press-ganging of diners into service was a limited-time promotion at their Navy Pier location, and would not be offered at any location “you can’t park a boat outside of.”

"Hot" Couture: These Trend-Setters Plan On Wearing Their Parkas Until June

Despite temperatures approaching the 50s and into the 60s in coming weeks, Chicagoland resident Aimee Dresden, 31, has announced that she plans to wear her North Face® parka until June, “just to be safe.”

Tired Art Institute Security Guard Kisses Last Painting Goodnight, Turns Off Lights

The nightly ritual, which sees a rotation of security personnel stopping by each and every object on display in the museum to lovingly kiss them and whisper “goodnight, sweetie,” has been part of museum protocol since 1987.