THE LOOP — On Monday the State Street Bridge was closed for repair work that will last until November or whenever they feel like opening it. While the repairs continue, drivers hoping to get downtown or to River North via State St. can probably still make it over the river if they really hit the gas and fuckin’ go for it.
“It’s never ideal when people have to detour downtown,” said Mark Porterman, a representative from IDOT, “That’s how you end up on the part of Lower Wacker where the minotaur lives. But if you need to cross over on State St. you can probably make it if you’re not a pussy and really juice that fucker.”
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“I had to go to TJ Maxx to return a dress I bought to wear once to a wedding and then return, like you do, and I really didn’t want to figure out how to get around on Madison or whatever,” said Rachel Morriss, a nurse, “so I just fuckin’ floored that fucker, thought about how hot all the guys in Fast & Furious are, and met my soul on the other side of the river.”
While IDOT officials want to warn the public that they probably can make it if they really build up some speed and put that needle in the red, they can’t fully guarantee you’ll make it safely across.
“The Spirits of Speed know when you’re weak,” said Porterman, “if you come at the edge with a coward's heart you ain’t gonna fly. Clear your mind, put the pedal down to the floor, and let your heartbeats meld with the rumble of the engine. Either way I guarantee you’re going to see God, baby.”
