Chicago Recreational Marijuana Shortage Traced to Paul
ANDERSONVILLE — Dispensary 420 in Andersonville shuttered its doors today, one of many dispensaries around the Chicago area and across the state which were forced to suspend sales to recreational customers by Monday, despite promises of “massive amounts of edibles, shatter, and concentrates” and “endless quantities of dank flower” in the days leading up to the New Year. It is now believed that the shortage can be entirely traced back to Paul, a 27-year-old resident of Evanston.
According to many industry insiders, Paul was spotted on the security camera footage of every single dispensary in the Chicagoland area, and many in Champaign and Peoria as well, in some cases returning multiple times in various disguises in order to get past per-customer maximums.
Spencer Chisholm, a dispensary manager from Andersonville, says he knows Paul personally. “I went to undergrad with Paul, used to hang out with him sometimes, and I can assure you, he’s the sole reason for this unexpected shortage. Not only did he try to come back into my shop after maxing out his purchase wearing sunglasses and pretending to be someone else—as if I wouldn’t recognize him!—but he also used to always call me up at like 11:00 at night to ask me if I had any weed I could ‘front him’. He’s an alright dude I guess, but you just can’t trust him around your weed.”
One disappointed dispensary customer waited in line for over two hours Sunday, only to be told that recreational product was completely sold out. Darius Jacobs, 26, of Evanston, told Chicago Genius reporters that not only had he seen Paul coming out of the dispensary multiple times wearing a fake goatee, and later, a pair of glasses with a fake nose attached, while he waited in line to get in, but he also used to work with Paul at the Chili’s in Evanston. “Man, that’s just like Paul to try and stiff everybody out here that was waiting their turn in line. Back when I used to work with him at Chili’s, sometimes we would smoke up with a couple of us servers after our shift, and Paul would always promise to ‘throw in on the next bowl’, every single time. Not only did he never once have any weed on him, but I’m pretty sure he actually stole some of mine out of my employee locker one time while I was in the bathroom.”
The Chicago Genius spoke with a man outside a dispensary near Midway who was purported to be Paul, though the man denied this was the case. The man, who wore a long black wig and what appeared to be a set of Halloween vampire teeth stated that his name was Saul, and he had never even heard of Evanston. He then climbed into a 1998 Chrysler Sebring and sped out of the parking lot.
At least six other area dispensary employees have confirmed seeing Paul entering their shops multiple times each day, wearing what have been described as a variety of fake mustaches, glasses, and in one case, a “Rastafarian hat with fake dreadlocks attached to it that was actually kind of offensive”.
At press time, there is no word on when dispensaries will be able to reopen their doors to recreational customers, nor on the whereabouts of Paul.