Chicago Remixes St. Paddy’s River Dye To Much More Stylish “Muted Sage”
DOWNTOWN RIVERWALK — This St. Paddy’s Day, the city of Chicago is looking to add a little more style to the yearly tradition of a water-based hat tip to the Emerald Isle. Jumping on the bandwagon of super-tasteful hue dictates, such as the recent alabaster Pantone “Color of The Year” announcement, or the surge of bland and impersonal “Millennial Grey” currently being slapped on condo walls across the city, the folks behind this year’s Irish celebration are attempting to follow these muted trends by dyeing those downtown waters the most trendy of sage tones.
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Supervising the dye job this weekend was Martha Larchmont, 50, City Holiday Ambassador, who, while exhorting crew to “make it tasteful, fellas,” was visibly pleased with a color that many passersby described as “looking like the mash-up of a straight wedding color scheme and a very chic Wayfair backsplash.”
“We realized that while dyeing the river a vibrant, St. Patrick’s green is tradition, tradition is not always chic,” commented Martha Larchmont. “My daughter is a big Anthropologie shopper and she told me that the normal hue we use is ‘unc,’ ‘chopped’ and ‘cringe maxxxing.’ I had to cry in my walk-in closet for 45 minutes before I worked up the courage to ask her to help me find a more hip alternative.”
Voices of discontent have spoken up against the new decision, however, with some concerned community members rallying against Larchmont’s call. “I don’t want to be like, mean, to the river,” Gabby Bedline, 21, commented to our reporters. “But the other 365 days of the year she looks kinda like a grubby sage already? How will people even be able to tell that it’s been dyed?”
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Unsurprisingly, our friends of the Irish-American persuasion have pushed back on this as well, with Brendon O’Donally, 56, even going so far as to throw an unpainted child’s toy block through the open window of Larchmont’s office. “I’m sick of these damn trend-followers stripping all the color from everything!” O’Donally lamented.
“St. Patrick’s Day is supposed to be about celebrating the most spectacular hues of Ireland’s glorious rainbows,” O’Donally continued. “Like the soft beige of soda bread, or the pale wool on a baby lamb, or the delicate flecks in Cillian Murphy’s eyes … wait, I think I need to come up with better examples.”
When we reached out to the river herself for comment, she only had these three wise words to impart: “glug, glug, glug.” That was the sound of her splitting the G on a fresh Guinness.
