RIVER NORTH – It can seem impossible to get around our fine city of Chicago these days. Between recently mandated ‘congestion-zone’ rideshare fees, unpredictable hijinks of the CTA, and negative below zero wind chill, Chicagoans just trying to get around without owning a car have simply opted to…not get around. Some have chosen a new radical transportation tactic: standing absolutely still.
“It’s an idea that came to me on a whim,” Boris Larjade, 26, remarked to our reporters. “I realized I’d gotten ghost-bussed, so I looked and saw that Uber prices were insane.” He continued, expertly outside of the corner of his mouth without moving the rest of his face. “Instead of being late to work or going broke, I just chose to stand absolutely still. They can’t charge me a fee for that, can they?” We neglected to point out that actually, they can charge a loitering fee in some parts of the city. He’ll learn soon enough.
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“It’s kind of meditative, really.” Ashley Riet, 38, a follower of the new Church of Still added on in a whisper, while blocking pedestrian traffic on by the Montrose Harbor. “We’re experiencing a harmony with nature that some people search half their lives for.” As icicles formed under her outstretched arms, she silently mouthed, “Might as well just stand stock still and get windburn, at least that’s guaranteed. Plus it makes the tourists really confused, so that’s a plus.”
Some folks aren’t too pleased about this rising trend of immovability, however. Members of the street performer community, Living Statues, were dismayed to hear about this new trend. “My culture is not your costume!” Bill McKeen, 56, stated via handwritten sign at his post on Michigan Avenue. A pigeon then landed on his spray-painted silver shoulder and he barely flinched.
“It’s like if you stand still a T-Rex can’t spot you, if you refuse to use the roads or sidewalks, delays and surge fees can’t get you.” Larjade concluded. “Neither can taxes!”
