Mariano's Customers Will Now Be Able to Dispose of Their Produce In-Store Immediately After Purchasing It

UKRAINIAN VILLAGE — As part of a new initiative designed to help Mariano’s customers shop more conveniently than ever before, the regional grocery chain is debuting a new initiative that will allow customers to throw their produce away as soon as they buy it, instead of having to wait until they get home.

“At the end of the day, what sets us apart from the competition is that we provide a higher level of service,” said Artie Bulmer, 37, the head of service developments at Kroger, Mariano’s parent company. “And what our research tells us is that Mariano’s customers love buying produce of all shapes and sizes, but they absolutely hate waiting to throw it out until they get home.”

“By allowing customers to dispose of produce directly at the point of sale,” he concluded, “we increase sales by 4.7% and provide one more reason for our customers to choose us over a competitor.”

“When you look at those bright orange trash cans just waiting for you at the end of the checkout line,” said Mariano’s customer Tricia Gensler, 45, “it kind of feels like they’re asking, ‘can you really afford not to buy some tricolored organic carrots and then immediately pitch them the second the buzz wears off?’”

The bins, which proudly assure any customers utilizing them that their pitched produce will not be composted and will be going directly into a landfill, are already a hit among Ukrainian Village locals.

“This is my third grocery trip this week,” said Rush Frymore, 25, as he tossed several perfectly good tomatoes directly into the produce bin with the practiced cool of a former AAA relief pitcher. “I don’t even like vegetables, but I’m spending well over $100 a trip just to find the best produce to throw directly into this thing.”

“It’s very cathartic,” he concluded as he threw a perfect knuckleball slider of an orange that immediately went rogue and hit another shopper in the head.

As of press time, Mariano’s executives were already brainstorming a way to provide a similar service with their meal prep line HomeChef where you would just have your delivery person take a photo of them throwing your meals into your alley’s garbage.

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