DOUGLASS PARK — In a move that has been widely celebrated by Illinois residents who believe that their COVID-19 “vaccine preference” will matter one iota when it comes time to get a shot, the state has announced that all of its vaccination facilities will offer a little leather-bound menu to peruse with all of the current available vaccine varieties tastefully listed out in a nice script font.
In an email notification sent to all state residents on Tuesday, the Illinois Department of Public Health informed those eligible for the vaccine that “despite short supplies and persistent inequities in distribution, we are pleased to offer every resident a choice of vaccine so we can cater to your every little whim — especially when it comes to your virtually identical and equally effective options for immunization.”
The message then further detailed the on-site vaccine selection process, which will be overseen by the standard medical staff as well as a trained sommelier. “We’re excited to announce that after you choose the vaccine that you ‘like the sound of the most’ from the menu, your vaccine sommelier will perform a personalized taste test for you to make sure that your shot is the right fit.”
When The Chicago Genius Herald asked Chicagoans about the announcement, most were thrilled that the vaccine that they had decided they would “go for” at their vaccine appointment would be available. “It’s like when I go to a restaurant that serves Coke and I ask for a Pepsi instead, they always bring it to me because I just feel more confident with Pepsi,” Daniel Guillotine, 50, told us. Guillotine, a Berwyn resident who was able to choose the Moderna vaccine for himself this week, reached out to us unprompted. “I just got it in my head that Moderna was better, and I’m glad I stood my ground to my friends — even though there was no indication before now that I’d have any way of controlling which was given to me at the appointment it took me fifteen tries and a shady virtual code to get.”
Guillotine told us that, upon arriving at the vaccination site at Chicago’s Mt. Sinai Hospital for his first appointment yesterday, he politely requested to “get the Moderna one” despite the site primarily distributing vaccines made by Pfizer. “They were so accommodating, and the menu had little gilt edges. They even brought out a Perrier for me. My only complaint is that I would have liked a Topo Chico instead.”
To build on this excitement, the IDPH issued an update shortly before press time, announcing that the menu program will in the coming weeks also feature a placebo for residents who “don’t really trust any of them” but who want a fun little sticker anyway.