RANCH TRIANGLE – Currently outnumbering poorly trained doodle-mixes on the sidewalks of the most affluent parts of Chicago are food-delivery robots. You’ve probably seen them speeding along Halsted, armed with nothing but a DoorDash order and dream. Serve, the company behind the roving electronic beasts, have initiated a special holiday fleet of bots, complete with festive headwear, and instruction to flatten anyone lacking in the Christmas Spirit.
“We’ve initiated a new protocol for the holiday season called ‘Operation Grinch,’” CEO of Robotical Relations Elizabeth Alstione, 53, reported to our team. “We here at Serve firmly believe that anyone who isn’t feeling jolly and festive in the month of December deserves to be absolutely pancaked by an anthropomorphized delivery robot.” A recent citizen-led campaign amassed over 2,000 signatures to call for a ban on the creatures. Unfortunately that just fanned the flame for CEO Alstione. “You know who else was hated by thousands? Jesus. That’s right. I’m going there.”
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Surprisingly, some Chicago residents have expressed concern over this new practice. Samantha Caldrew, 23, spoke up. “I use a wheelchair, so I already have to see almost eye-to-eye to these sinister beings.” She opined. “The other day one of them tried to ram into me repeatedly while blasting an alarm that screamed ‘SCROOGE ALERT.’”
While the jaunty santa hats give the robots a much needed softer appearance, the “eyes” glowing red whenever they come across someone lacking in Christmas cheer have been alarming to Chicagoans and tourists alike.
Mark Dimplson, 43, was simply trying to enjoy the splendor that is a drunken Wrigleyville crowd at a holiday pop-up bar. “I was five, maybe six PBRs in when this creature almost takes me out at the ankles.” He confessed to our reporters, open-container carrying on the sidewalk. “I thought I was having Gremlins flashbacks. That movie really f**cked me up as a kid.”
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Positioned at what some have called the “perfect height for kicking,” the Serve bots have earned bad rep on our city streets. Alstione weighed in, “Look, if denizens want to continue this grumpy and un-festive outlook, we at Serve will have no choice but to greenlight a sequel of Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer, if you know what I mean.”
