On Thursday the National Weather Service held a press conference warning people in Chicago to avoid Lake Michigan due to 5 to 6 foot-high waves and powerful currents, unless they were prepared to drop in on some bombs.
“It’s some rad chop my absolute bros,” said Liam Harris, 34, National Weather Service spokesperson. “Wax up or get worked.”
The piers, beaches, and other lakefront areas are all considered high risk areas and all pedestrians are cautioned to stay out of the water and to beware of sick breaks.
“Those waves will come out of nowhere broatmeal,” continued Harris. “Absolute lameoid move to get pulled in without your board. Not chill in my opinion.”
In an inexplicable powerpoint slide, the NWS revealed that over 60% of all drownings in Lake Michigan occur when “groms aren’t ready to agro”.
Beachgoers are taking heed.
“I waxed my whole body,” said local beach enjoyer Chris Thompson, 25, shirtless and extremely shiny, standing with his hands on his hips. “Wait what was the question?”
The high waves are expected to subside over the weekend, at which point the “hodads and clucks with their boogie boards have the green light to ride some ankle busters”.