CPS Announces Remote Learning Plan: Every Child Gets One Zoobook

CHICAGO — With the announcement yesterday that CPS will be reopening through remote classrooms at the start of this school year, students and staff alike have expressed concern about how remote education will operate on CPS’s already strained funding. The CPS announced their official remote reopening plan today: send each student one Zoobook magazine.

“We’ve put a lot of thought, and by that I mean a couple of panicked meetings, into our remote reopening plans,” said Janice Jackson, Superintendent of CPS. “And decided the best and most cost effective way to keep CPS students on track with their education is to send them each one Zoobook. Kids love learning about animals, and soon they’ll each receive a single issue of the popular Zoobook series so they can learn about one kind of animal each. Maybe it’ll be Big Cats, or Eagles, or Sharks.” 

“Or Camels!” interjected Mayor Lori Lightfoot, waving one of the magazine’s issues excitedly, “Did you know they can drink up to thirty gallons in one sitting?”

The magazines, each focused on fun facts about a single animal genus, arrived at the residentences of many CPS students this morning. Others are expected to receive theirs by the end of September, or possibly early October, if the mail is still being weird. Students will have the entire semester to read their Zoobook before delivering a final report via Zoom, a free conferencing software Superintendent Jackson found on Google, to their teachers.

“Oh, cool. I got ‘New World Monkeys’,’” said Timothy, 8, an incoming third grader. 

“We’ve taken all necessary precautions to keep our students safe this school year. We really, really don’t want to get sued,” said Superintendent Jackson. “Students will be tempted to share their Zoobooks with each other, but we discourage this practice. Students are instead required to burn their Zoobook at the end of the semester. We’re working on ordering second issues for the Winter semester.”

Many have already criticized the CPS’s remote education plan as seeming rushed and underfunded, and some are already attacking the Zoobook plan for being “just one magazine.”

“I guess I’m just learning about Zebras this year?” said Rachel, 16, an incoming sophomore. “Is this year going to count on my transcript?”

“We value our childrens’ education in this city,” concluded Superintendent Jackson. “And we know, despite the challenges we currently face, our children will thrive this year. We encourage them to study their Zoobook hard, but read it pretty slowly, okay? It needs to last all semester.”

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