CHICAGO – The Chicago Transit Authority, famous for good management and expert use of funds, has recently announced the layoffs of hundreds of security guards. These guards, most famous for scrolling reddit on Red Line platforms, and having no real authority to fight the imaginary daily gang battles conservative news believes to be occuring. In keeping with the effectiveness of these agents, the CTA is replacing them with a squad of insecurity guards. If that’s okay.
We spoke to the CEO of Insecurity Guards Pro, a privately owned firm based in Schamberg. “Our whole mission statement is, ‘safety without self-assurance,’ said Barbara Landress, 56. We make a promise to our clients that while we’ll show up on time and try our best, we really don’t want to get in the way or cause any big ruckus.”
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Why hire a security team too scared to make a fuss? When pressed, Landress caved quickly. “You know what, you’re right. It’s stupid. Forget I said anything.” Our reporters sensed a trap here, so moved on to interview some employees of the firm.
Brick Guzman, 34, has worked for Insecurity Guards Pro for nearly 8 weeks now. “It’s the best job I’ve ever had,” he assured us. “Security guards have this expectation of being cool and collected in the face of danger. But us insecurity guards do things a little differently.” We then observed Guzman on patrol, hiding behind columns and asking smokers if they were mad at him.
A member of the CTA board, who wished to remain anonymous left us this helpful comment, “I’d like to see you try to curb crime on the trains and buses! No, literally. Please, we’ll take any ideas, we’d love to see you try.”
