LAKEVIEW — The morning of the annual Twelve Bars of X-mas started dramatically for one local reveler when Evan “Scrooge” Skrougkowski, threw open the windows of his Lakeview apartment and drunkenly asked passersby if he’d missed the bar crawl. Sources say that when he was informed he had not, he welcomed the news by cracking a beer and exclaiming “then it’s not too late! It was all a terrible dream!”
“I was walking my dog when he started screaming out his window,” said Paulo Martinez, a neighbor of Skrougkowski. “He was like ‘boy! You there boy! What day is it?’ and I was like ‘it’s Saturday, and I’m in my thirties, dude.’ Then he started flipping out and yelling a bunch of stuff about how he’d learned his lesson from the three spirits.”
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“I’m pretty used to waking up to Scrooge yelling,” said Fred Marley, Skrougkowski’s roommate. “I walk into the living room and he’s just spinning around, saying how he’d learned his lesson and was going to go to TBOX and spread cheer and shit. He saw me and ran over and hugged me and said thanks for introducing him to the three spirits and I was like ‘dude, did you drink all the vodka, rum and whisky?’”
“Worst part is I’d paid for it, fucking cheap-ass,” said Marley. “Eh, I’ve known him since college, I guess these are the chains we forge in life.”
According to Marley, Skrougkowski ran to his room and threw on his TBOX garb, an ill-fitting, cheaply-made Santa Claus onesie, and sprinted toward the door to head to TBOX.
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“He was going on and on about needing to find our buddy Ratchet to pay him back for being such a good friend,” said Marley, referring to Chet “Ratchet” Carter, a mutual friend. “He handed me a crumpled twenty that I think was in the pocket of that Santa suit for the whole last year and told me to go out and buy ‘the biggest case of White Claws in the corner shop.’”
Marley says Skrougkowski continued to get more excited as he put on his snow boots, waxing poetically about his experience the night before.
“He kept going on about how he saw the past, the present and the future all at once, I don’t know if that was from mixing liquors or he took mushrooms again and didn’t share. Then he starts literally crying and says he needs to find Ratchet and Tiny Tim, and when he sees ‘his sweet, sickly little face,’ he’s going to pick him up and hug him.”
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“I was like ‘dude, don’t try to pick Tim up, you know he’s not comfortable with people making fun of his height like that, we all keep telling you to stop.’”
After getting on his boots and throwing a parka over his Santa pajamas, Skrougkowski reportedly ran out the apartment in the direction of TBOX, stopping periodically to yell “Merry TBOX!” at people on the street. According to sources at the TBOX event he was kicked out of The Cubby Bear after lifting his friend Tim over his head and dropping him on a table.
