ANDERSONVILLE – Grab your dog and fill up that totebag, because it’s Midsommarfest once again in Chicago’s folksiest neighborhood. This weekend crowds will celebrate the start of the summer solstice with food and drink, live music, and -- according to the Andersonville Chamber of Commerce -- even more deadly pagan rituals than years past.
“We listened to feedback from last year’s festival, and we’ve responded,” Ambassador of the festival, Katharina Sjögren, 47, commented. “People wanted us to really lean into the Swedish paganism of it all, and the deadly violent rituals were just the icing on the cake.” According to Sjögren, this year's three-day, family-friendly fest will be the most authentic yet.
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How will this year’s Midsommarfest be more ‘authentic,’ you ask? According to our inside sources, among the usual fest fares of snowcones and hotdogs will be hallucinogenic mushroom laced funnel cakes. Aside from the standard DJ’ed dance parties, the maypole dancing will be a bloodthirsty competition, with the winner crowned ‘May Queen’ and given almighty power over her subjects.
While Chicago street festivals are typically an all-ages affair, this year’s admission to the Midsommarfest will offer a special senior discount to those over the age of 72. “You know, because of the elder sacrifice,” Sjögren calmly stated, ringing blood out of her folkdräkt.
Our reporters got an exclusive interview with headliner and broadway legend, Anthony Rapp, 54. “I saw the movie once, but fell asleep halfway through. It seemed like a lovely story about young love, world travel, and overcoming trauma, so I’m honored to represent these Swedish traditions!” We overheard Rapp conversing with his manager, “they want me to wear this kooky bear costume. Hey, happy Pride I guess.”
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So get your three-day passes now, because this will be a Midsommarfest you’ll never forget.
Ari Aster refused to comment on whether or not he will be in attendance.
