"They offered us Navy Pier, but you really can’t hold this event that close to seagulls."

CHICAGO RIVERFRONT— In a stirring gesture of thanks to Mayor Lori Lightfoot following her devastating defeat in Chicago’s Mayoral runoff Tuesday evening, Chicago’s riverfront bridges surprised down

“I don’t care if everyone here’s a pod person or a Stepford Wife or if there’s a dang eldritch horror under city hall. I don’t want to know!” Stevenson cried. 

How can a hotdog be heart shaped you ask? 

Patrick McCartney, a resident of Ukrainian Village, is beginning to wonder if he saved a broken folding chair to use for dibs for nothing.

As the store turned off its lights for the last time, employees and one manager were anointed with fragrant oils from the store’s beauty department and allowed to pick one snack to take with them. Walgreens informed us the snack was not for consumption, but to pay the crocodile-headed ferryman to safely shepherd employee souls into the afterlife.

WRIGLEYVILLE — We’ve been saying for a while that Wrigleyville has the potential to be the Amsterdam of the Upper Midwest.

“We definitely have our hands full! We’re just happy one is a regular lion,” said Morre. “At least we think it is. There’s a chance it’s also going to do something spooky and mysterious. It could just be waiting to reveal whatever its bit is when the time is right.”

“No cap, fam,” started the email from the Lightfoot campaign, going on to use numerous “Gen Z” buzzwords and slang. “Volunteering for the Lightfoot campaign is bussin.’ Join the Litfoot team!“

“What better opportunity to contemplate how I’ve been doing the past couple years by watching my own reflection fall to the ground and shatter into a thousand pieces.”