O’HARE INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT — With DHS funding stuck in limbo, the nation’s airports are experiencing longer checkpoint lines as TSA agents call out of shifts because who the fuck wants to work for no pay. To fill the gaps in security, the Trump administration has deployed ICE agents to help the TSA by standing around and looking at their phones. Used to deployment in cities with liberal mayors, ICE agents reported for duty at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport with 3.4oz cans of tear gas, comfy clothes and the can-do attitude we’ve come to expect from our highest-funded law enforcement branch.
“Yeah, it’s really helpful to have a guy in a plate vest standing next to me asking stupid questions all day,” said Marcus Wells, a TSA agent. “Questions like ‘how does the door thing know you have metal in your pockets?’ and ‘will the x-ray machine give me superpowers?’ and ‘what race are you?’”
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“Gotta say, it really helps morale to work arm in arm with someone who doesn’t know what’s going on but is actually getting paid.”
According to sources at O’Hare, the detachment of ICE Agents has stationed themselves at the Nuts on Clark kiosk, fortifying their position in line for cheese and caramel popcorn till their table is ready at the Chili’s Bar & Bites.
“It’s a kinetic situation, but we’re on top of it,” said an ICE Agent who refused to identify themselves and took pictures of our The Chicago Genius Herald reporter to add to a “database of question-askers” before returning to a game of Candy Crush that they were really struggling with.
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“I’ve been in line for an hour,” said Helen Checkoroski, who was flying to Arizona for a business conference, “I’m not sure what ICE is doing to help. They keep pulling guns on everyone who reaches for their belts. A guy had a lighter in his coat and they black-bagged him and dragged him away. You know, I’m starting to think Trump and his people might not know what they’re doing.”
With the funding freeze continuing for the foreseeable future, White House Border Czar Tom Homan said a plan would be formed to have the agency assume more roles to keep air traffic flowing “as soon as a FOX News host comes up with one.”
