Lightfoot Announces That Starting Jan. 1st You’ll Be Allowed to Smoke Weed at Nick’s House

THE LOOP — In a press conference Thursday Mayor Lori Lightfoot tried to allay questions about where Chicago citizens could legally smoke marijuana come Jan. 1st. As the date of recreational legalization draws closer, citizens interested in trying their first ever drug, they promise, have raised concerns about where they can blaze one without risking a ticket. City ordinances currently ban smoking of any kind in bars, public parks, movie theaters, and most other places where it would actually be cool to smoke weed, but Lightfoot assured citizens that smoking would be allowed at Nick’s place. 

“We’re conscious of people’s concerns of where they can enjoy Chicago’s new recreational marijuana laws. If you want to use marijuana, you’re welcome to as long as you follow some easy rules. If you want to smoke weed you have to go to Nick's garden apartment in Ukrainian Village, close the blinds, stuff a towel under the door, and exhale through a toilet paper tube filled with dryer sheets,” she said, “he’s going to insist on making you watch nature documentaries on his new 4K TV, but halfway through will make you watch a portion of a Joe Rogan Experience podcast on YouTube and will insist on describing the entire clip before putting it on.”

Residents excited for legalization were at first apprehensive of finding out there’s one, roughly 370 square foot area of Chicago where you can smoke marijuana without being ticketed, but were reassured that marijuana policy would continue to evolve after January 1st and that “Nick’s chill.”

“I like Nick’s place. Sure there’s crumbs on the couch and sometimes he makes us watch him feed his lizard, but honestly I fuck with the vibe.” said Tucker Milieu, 27, of Edgewater. “That being said, I’ve already been smoking at Nick’s place for years and I was hoping to switch it up.”

Some residents on Twitter have called for explicitly looser regulations, citing the numerous places in Chicago where they should be able to “get lit,” “roast a frickin’ J,” and “smogke   a Beg asS bblont on te chrismas traiN [sic].”

Mayor Lightfoot pointed to precedents set in other Illinois cities, who are all deciding how best to implement areas where marijuana can be used without creating a public nuisance or hazard. “We were looking at common sense solutions for this issue,” said Carol Caffery, a member of the City Council, “Every area of Illinois has a prime spot. If you want to smoke weed in Crystal Lake, IL, their ordinance dictates you have to do it while walking down a gravel road with your cousin and if a car comes you have to run.”

“Chicago’s model of ‘sitting on beanbags in Nick’s basement’ is so much more progressive than the outlying suburbs. In Oak Park you have to call your parents first and tell them you’re going to ‘study at Mark’s’ so you can go smoke at Scott’s, and if they find out, whoa boy, you’re gonna be in trouble.”

“We’re well aware that space and the general smell of Nick’s place isn’t great,” Mayor Lightfoot said as the press conference concluded, “as Chicago’s legal marijuana policies continue to evolve, we’ll be looking to expand the number of places where Chicagoans can smoke. Lucy's place is cool, but her roommate never has any of her own and always insists you smoke her out, and Reggie has a Switch with Smash and four controllers, but he exclusively smokes mids, so that’s a no-go for me personally.”

At press time the Mayor’s office announced it would be accepting applications for additional locations, as long as it’s someplace people already smoke, along with a $70,000 application fee.

Want the best of The Chicago Genius sent straight to your inbox? Sign up below.