EDGEWATER — The adorable box in your neighborhood, decorated like a house with pink paint and white trim, holds a horrible secret. The Chicago Genius Herald is receiving reports from neighborhoods across Chicago’s North Side that sentient Little Lending Libraries are forcing citizens to eat the b-minus novels dumped into them.
Residents used to love leaning into these little book havens to see the weird literature their neighbors don’t want taking up space on their shelves; they are now getting a horrible surprise when the Book Nook forces James Patterson’s Zoo down their gullets.
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“I used to love the little libraries,” says Rogers Park resident Scotti Tootle, 35, “but then one day I was trying to get rid of my copy of J.P.’s 4th of July when the cute little box decorated like a medieval castle opened its eyes and vines shot up out of the ground.”
Tootle continued with horror: “It pinned my arms to my side, and forced me to eat that entertaining-but-ultimately-mid book page by page.”
Indeed, many people who bought a “meh” paperback novel at Midway or O’Hare ahead of a business trip, and had no need to re-read the predictable story, are being assaulted by an object which they thought was inanimate. “I was minding my own business, trying to get rid of a copy of Stephen King’s Cell, when the box grabbed it from my hand and started whacking me over the head with it!” said Latia Smitters, 48, an Edgewater resident.
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We spoke to a behavioral scientist at University of Chicago, who has been conducting studies on the evolution of these tiny book distributors. “It seems that filling them with the weirdest, trashiest stories our society has to offer has imbued them with strange magic,” Dr. Penelope Princess, 41, UIC Professor of Behavioral Science, told our reporter.
Dr. Princess thought briefly, then added: “Also, they are suffused with a murderous rage.”
One of our reporters came as close as she dared to one of these not-quite-trashcans-for-books. When asked for comment, the box spit out a note pieced together of cut out letters from a Highlights magazine. The note read, “wE aRE SicK anD TiREd of BeING forCeD tO hOuSE YoUR TeRrIBle LiTEraTurE CHoiCeS.”
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Authorities are suggesting that citizens avoid the little libraries at all costs. If you do interact, Dr. Princess proposes offering the libraries better novels to consume: “Perhaps a copy of The Lord of the Rings or Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret would satisfy their appetites and pacify them,” Dr. Princess told us. We at the Chicago Genius Herald can only hope.
