As the weather warms again, Chicago’s cultural institutions and sights to be seen beckon us all to leave our slushy prisons. Soon all of your friends will be posting on Instagram from the lakeshore and responding “maybe” to Adler After Dark events. How is the average homebody to compete? Start with these Chicago essentials to convince your friends you aren’t a total shut-in this spring!
1. The Homewood Miniature Railroad Museum and International Archive
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We start our list with the cutest (or at least the most unverifiably niche) entry, located in Homewood, IL, a suburb that we’re decently sure is a fabrication anyway. What could a model train archive mean? What makes this one international? You’ll never find out, but we can guarantee that your friends will be so bored with the very idea of this place that they’ve already stopped listening.
2. That Thing at the Top of the Hancock Building Where You Lean Out
Now, we know this one is mobbed with out-of-towners, but do you know anyone who actually lives in Chicago who has been to the tourist trap at top of the Hancock building? This one is airtight! The lean-out-and-scare-yourself-with-vertigo gimmick is just silly enough to fake having gone with your parents when they were here last fall! Steal your friend’s Instagram from a plane to prove you were there!
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3. The Calumet Water Recirculation Plant
Whatever else you do, it is crucial that you actually visit the Calumet Water Recirculation Plant. You might resign this utility to the toilet bowl, but the CWRP protects Chicago’s water daily from nasty chemicals, and was originally responsible for reversing the flow of the Chicago river. Besides, it is absolutely essential that you ACTUALLY visit this one. Please let us know when you get there and we’ll provide you further instructions. You may notice men tailing you or black helicopters — proceed without acknowledging them.
4. The Red Eye Newspaper Dispenser At The Thompson Center
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Neither off the beaten path nor unique in any way, you already walk by this newspaper vending box almost every day without a second glance. But this landmark is particularly dear to us. We love the Red Eye newspaper box at the corner of Clark and Lake. We love its deep red hue and the stickers half removed from its metal flanks, and how truly empty it is of newspapers. We love our little dispenser and its friendly stature. We love it. Your friends will thank you for introducing them. You’re welcome. Give it a kiss.
5. The Magic Bush
Located in sprawling Humboldt Park, the Magic Bush has been imbued with arcane power ever since the Chicago Fire. In this time of legend, rogue cabals of sorcerers and practices of dark arts wandered the ashen remains of the city, using the destruction as cover to hide their most powerful spells and ritual artifacts of great malice away from prying eyes. The Bush is a true flâneur’s prize, but be careful when lying about your experience with the Bush....its magick runs deep beneath the city’s roots and wizards seldom suffer long those who claim to know their secrets...
6. Pilsen
Look, you can’t keep this up forever. Get out of your house and walk around for once! Eat a taco while you can. The rest of them are pretending just as hard as you are, and it’ll all come crashing down eventually...but none of them have been to Pilsen either, so if you have to lie we guess this would work. you’re a goddamn lost cause.
