KYOTO — The outlook was sunny today as video game giant Nintendo released its newest island-vacation-themed installment in the Animal Crossing franchise, “New Horizons.” However, the millions of fans in quarantine due to COVID-19 have put unprecedented pressure on the company to produce an island for everyone who purchased the game, producer Hisashi Nogami said in a press conference. “We had to get pretty creative to set up all of these islands just right in time for release,” Nogami said to reporters, winking. “I’m not supposed to tell you this, but we’ve managed to take some pretty inhospitable places and turn them into the perfect tropical getaway. I’m very proud of our team.”
Asked if there will be enough real estate to go around as players log in for the first time, Nogami gripped the podium and leaned into the microphone, visibly perspiring. “We have a very high standard for the ‘Nook Inc. Tropical Getaway Package.’ Numbers of tropical islands are dwindling daily due to global warming, but we’re doing our best.” Nogami paused, shaking. “Not to mention planting the ideal ratio of peach and apple trees and seeding each island with a perfectly balanced ecosystem of fish and butterflies. And you wanted us to release early?”
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A handler appeared to calm Nogami down before he returned to the microphone and hissed “Hubris!” at the gathered reporters. Creative Director Aya Kyogoku took the podium to conclude the press conference, reassuring fans that Nintendo and its Nook, Inc. subsidiary has all islands prepared for players: “We have been very busy in the last few hours, and may God forgive us, but we are ready.”
At press time, Nintendo appears to have making good on this promise, as maritime authorities in both the Caribbean and South Pacific are reporting seismic disturbances in the hundreds of thousands. Happy release day, Crossing fans!
