LOOP – Recent census reports have indicated for the first time, Chicago’s living rat population has been overtaken by its posthumous brethren: the flattened rat carcass.
Rodent census expert Beth Durk, 37, has been predicting this turnover, claiming that the change is driven by an uptick in Divvy bikes, Ubers, and “20-somethings late to job interviews who decided the best course of action was a Lime scooter.” Durk noted an odd rivalry between the groups, citing that live rats are envious of the care and respect the carcasses garner from maintenance crews. “It’s the one time in a rat’s life that they’re treated with an ounce of respect, even if it is being scraped up with a shovel and chucked into a trash can. Rats crave affection, too.”
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The numbers may even be higher than recorded, as recent reports have indicated some flattened carcasses have been scooped up and repurposed in the city-sponsored program, Meat Sticks for Michigan Ave., a jerky snack line whose profits go towards fixing the city’s pot hole problem.
Whether those sticks contain rodent or not seems to be of little concern to the program’s leadership, Rick Buggle, 54, who commented, “You know that statistic that says the human brain contains enough microplastics to make up a spoon? Well between eating at restaurants and just existing within the city, Chicagoans actually have enough rat particles in their brain to make up a whole rat family. Like one of those Christian families with ll kids. Anyways, you wanna try a meat stick?”
A change in the rat population like this means the city must make certain adjustments in how they handle both populations. “We can now divert some of our attention from the living rats to the carcasses, which we will approach with the same dedication and attention,” said Bob Tiller, 42, local Goldendoodle owner.
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While we obviously were not able to reach out to the rats for comment, there has been a significant decrease in rat droppings at the Chicago Genius Herald offices, indicating that the living rats may be trying to get on the better side of CGH reporters. In fact, several staff members have claimed to have found droppings neatly stacked inside our office trash cans, rather than the customary location, which was essentially everywhere else in the office. For the record, CGH’s bias cannot be bought, it certainly can be swayed by lack of rodent excrement.
