CHICAGO – Even in the bleakest of times, the hope of summer sunshine can get us through. For one city-dweller, it’s the simple things that are helping her avoid the unavoidable mudslide into deep existential despair. For Meredith Gansey, 29, it’s as easy as enjoying a beer on a patio.
“The walls were closing in,” she confided to our reporters. “I realized I need to go somewhere where there are no walls.” Gansey went on to confess that the only times she doesn’t feel the crushing weight of the world collapsing on her shoulders are when she’s squinting into the sun at her local watering hole, nursing an overpriced pilsner.
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“It doesn’t even need to be a good patio for my trick to work,” she explained, shifting her weight on the rustic bourbon-aging barrel. “A card table in an alley does the same job. As long as there’s a slight breeze and a beer in hand, I can forget for a moment that every single aspect of our democracy is ripping apart at the seams.”
The team of scientists the Chicago Genius Herald has on retainer pointed to the possibility of Gansey’s exposure to Vitamin D via the sunshine as being the cause for her chipper mood, but she insisted the patio and beer element was the real gamechanger.
“This WORKS you guys. I’m even coming up with slogans. Would you buy a t-shirt that says ‘give me a hazy, the world seems less crazy’ on it?”
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Our reporters assured her we would buy that T-shirt, but it might go against our hard-won journalistic integrity to purchase something from a source. That didn’t deter her from throwing out some other options.
“I need a stout, before I start to shout!” Gansey exclaimed.
She is aware that these sentiments flag an early sign of alcohol dependence, and she’s monitoring the situation.
