LAKEVIEW – After several reports of a desperate looking middle-aged man recklessly biking the wrong way down one-way streets across the North side of Chicago, Mike O’Brien, 37, today confirmed that he does indeed hope that a midsize SUV takes him out right there on that smooth black concrete.
“I’ve been trying for months to get hit head-on by almost any car that drives past me,” O’Brien said. He clarified that he typically steers clear of Kia Souls, though, since getting hit by one of those would be “emasculating.”
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When Genius Herald reporters asked if O’Brien was aware that biking the wrong way down a one way street was one of the leading causes of biking fatalities in the City of Chicago, O’Brien was quoted as responding bluntly, “Good lord, yes, obviously. Why else would I be doing this?”
O’Brien’s biking patterns have been a concern for months now. Several community members have written complaints on NextDoor and posted meticulously designed Canva infographics to Instagram warning the broader community about a sweaty, depressed looking cyclist who speeds down busy one-ways like Roscoe St. and Belden Avenue with little regard for both cars and pedestrians.
Emily James, a pedestrian who reported one of the sightings, recalled that the most disturbing part about O’Brien’s behavior was his inner dialogue as he whizzed past.
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“It was difficult to make out since he was zig zagging in and out of the bike lane like he was being chased by an alligator, but I’m pretty sure I heard him say ‘yes, oh please god, let today be the day, Daddy needs a new ATV,’” James said.
When pressed as to his motivations for trying to get absolutely bjorked by oncoming traffic, O’Brien said there were a number of factors motivating him to pursue this risky lifestyle choice.
“The way I see it, I either get a couple hundred thousand in lawsuit winnings from one of these Lakeview schmucks, or I meet my ancestors in the great beyond,” O’Brien said. “Either way, I make national headlines and make Sharon regret ever dumping me for that amateur racecar driver.”
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O’Brien then became adamant that Genius Herald reporters include the phrase “Schwinn-Schwinn situation” in his quote. When reporters declined, O’Brien became belligerent before biking away, again down the wrong way on Wellington.
Any resident with additional information should contact local police or submit an anonymous tip to our confidential tip line.
