STEM MAGNET ACADEMY, NEAR WEST SIDE - As class began in Ms. Caputo’s 3rd grade homeroom on Wednesday, students report that she, against all historical precedent and reason, began calling roll in reverse alphabetical order.
“When Ms. Caputo (first name unknown) called my name I thought I was in trouble,” said Sophia Zalinsky, 9. “Then I realized, oh wow, I’m just first! Then I thought, oh. Is all life arbitrary like this? If a name I didn’t choose decided my place in system I didn’t create, maybe everything is beyond my control? Then I said ‘Here’.”
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Sources say they don’t know what caused the sudden inspiration to arbitrarily reverse the order, but several students mused that Ms. Caputo’s personal life has caused a change in behavior.
“I saw her smiling at text messages when we were playing Heads Up 7 Up yesterday so I think she’s dating someone. As if that’s a good reason to destroy our manufactured sense of reality. Also, ew. She’s like 50.” said Keeley Delray, 9.
Ms. Caputo, 23, said she likes to mix things up.
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“I just like to make sure they’re paying attention,” she said, apparently unaware of the existential alarm she caused in her students.
“You just have to laugh,” snapped Aaron Addison, 10. “Because apparently the rules are a joke to her. She’s not Ms. Frizzle. She’s not.”
Nathan Mason, 10, having a name exactly in the middle of roll call, was uncharacteristically despondent afterwards. “Everything changed, but nothing changed. I am the core of a rotten apple. A passive participant in the Big Bang. A sailor on an ocean with no beginning or end. I can see nothing, forever.”
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As of press time a tormented wail arose from the class as Ms. Caputo asked everyone to line up for recess in order of reverse descending height.
