SOUTH LOOP—After swiping left on all eligible bachelors within 10 miles, Claire Maddocks, 34, is gradually expanding her match radius on Hinge in the hopes of snagging a bachelor from another part of Chicago. However, she now fears that increasing her radius any further will open the flood gates for unwanted swipes from the Hoosier state.
“It’s unfortunate that Indiana is like, right there. I just don’t know if I can date across state lines,” Maddocks told Genius Herald reporters while gazing at the distant smokestacks of Gary from her luxury high-rise apartment window, billowing like Mount Doom in Mordor. “Indiana isn’t what I meant when I put ‘looking for fireworks’ in my bio.”
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While Chicago’s neighbor to the east boasts cultural attractions like dilapidated industrial buildings, cheap cigarettes, and guns, the dating culture isn’t quite alluring enough for singles in the Windy City. “I love firing Marlboro lights out of a shotgun as much as the next girl, but then what would we do for a second date? Shoot menthols? I need variety,” said Maddocks, who routinely visits the same 4 bars within walking distance of her home.
“I’m not even sure what kind of food they have there. I hear they have something called ‘Milk Coke.’ Have you had that?”
When asked if there were any positives to potentially dating a grown man who chooses to live in northwest Indiana, Maddocks responded that the lower sales tax was a tempting factor. “Date night would be a lot cheaper,” she said, “but the emotional journey of passing billboards for strip clubs, divorce lawyers, and Jesus is too much for one drive. I have my own problems to worry about.”
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Desperate for alternatives, Maddocks is considering lowering her standards at home. “I guess I’d be OK dating a guy under 6’2” as long as he’s not a Gemini. I might even consider setting my age range wider than 35-36. You’ve got to stay open to new possibilities,” she mused while maintaining that matching with any man whose bio says “Hoosier daddy” is a “hard god damn no.”
“I also just really like weed and abortions,” she added.
