(if: $character is "Thandie")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/salty-thandie.jpg">]
(if: $character is "James")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/salty-james.jpg">]
(if: $character is "Blended")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/salty.jpg">]
You are seated at the counter inside a little roadside dive that serves the best coffee and deep dish pizza around. Their display case is filled with tasty looking slices of deep dish.
Your salty server approaches you, a cigarette dangling from their mouth, holding a pot of coffee as if it’s an extension of their hand. They have the no-nonsense look of a seasoned professional who won’t take guff from no one!
[[> I Will Give No Guff|I Will Give No Guff]](if: $character is "Thandie")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/salty-thandie.jpg">]
(if: $character is "James")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/salty-james.jpg">]
(if: $character is "Blended")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/salty.jpg">]
“So what’s it gonna be honey?” they croak. After barely a second goes by they continue, annoyed. “Come on honey I don’t have all day.”
[[> Don't Order Anything|Don't Order Anything]]
[[> Order|Diner Order]](if: $character is "Thandie")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/salty-thandie.jpg">]
(if: $character is "James")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/salty-james.jpg">]
(if: $character is "Blended")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/salty.jpg">]
“Excuse me, sweetheart, are you going to order or what? I don’t have time to stand here and wag my chin all day!”
[[Don't Order Anything|Don't Order Anything 2]]
[[Order|Diner Order]](if: $character is "Thandie")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/salty-thandie.jpg">]
(if: $character is "James")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/salty-james.jpg">]
(if: $character is "Blended")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/salty.jpg">]
“Hey, kiddo, you know these seats are for payin’ customers, right? If you don’t order somethin’ I’m gonna scream!”
[[> Don’t Say Anything|Don't Say Anything 2]]
[[> Order|Diner Order]](if: $character is "Thandie")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/salty-thandie.jpg">]
(if: $character is "James")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/salty-james.jpg">]
(if: $character is "Blended")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/salty.jpg">]
“Alright, Sweetheart what do you want already?”
[[> One slice of deep dish and a cup of coffee.|One slice of deep dish and a cup of coffee.]](if: $character is "Thandie")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/salty-thandie.jpg">]
(if: $character is "James")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/salty-james.jpg">]
(if: $character is "Blended")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/salty.jpg">]
“What’s it going to be hotshot?! You’re wasting my time. Just like my ex husband Harold. Twenty years I gave that man and for what?”
[[> Don't Say Anything|Don't Say Anything 3]]
[[> Order|Diner Order]](if: $character is "Thandie")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/salty-thandie.jpg">]
(if: $character is "James")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/salty-james.jpg">]
(if: $character is "Blended")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/salty.jpg">]
“Who are you? What fresh hell has been unleash upon me? Have I not suffered enough? I toil away behind this counter for 40 years and still I am vexxed by newer and newer torments daily! What God hath I so disturbed to have this foul fate cast upon me? I am cursed by you, silent diner! Cursed first by your silence and second by your rudeness that thou do not respond to my query! I Curse Thee Back, Silent Viper! There shall be no pizza pie for you this day! YOU ARE CAST OUT! CAST OUT AND BACK INTO THE FIERY VOID FROM WHICH YOU CAME!!!
[[> Okay|Diner End]]
[[> Don't Say Anything|Diner End]]<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/salty-alley.jpg">
A short time later you are escorted out of the diner by the cook, a large man with naval tattoos. He and a dishwasher with a shaved head and mean eyes knock one of your teeth out behind the restaurant and tell you if they ever see you around these parts again, you’re dead.
Sorry, traveler, it looks like your journey ends here! You tried, but no deep dish pizza pie for you!
[[> Restart|Start]](if: $character is "Thandie")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/salty-thandie.jpg">]
(if: $character is "James")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/salty-james.jpg">]
(if: $character is "Blended")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/salty.jpg">]
Do you want that a la mode?
[[> No|A La Mode No]]
[[> Yes|A La Mode Yes]]
[[> Yes, but unfortunately I don’t have enough money to afford a la mode.|Yes, but unfortunately I don’t have enough money to afford a la mode.]]<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/salty-kennedy-killed.jpg">
A moment later they slide you a piping hot slice of sausage deep dish pizza, with no ice cream on the side, coward. The coffee is just right and the deep dish tastes as fresh as when it came out the oven yesterday.
You go about reading your paper while enjoying your pie and coffee. On the front page, what’s this? JFK shot dead? Surely this is America’s darkest hour. You must not have set your time travel device far enough back to prevent the assassination. Oh well, better luck next time, Time Cop!
You have failed to stop the assassination of JFK.
[[> Restart|Start]]<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/salty-icecream.jpg">
A moment later they slide you a piping hot slice of sausage deep dish pizza, with a full scoop of vanilla ice cream on the side. The coffee is just right and the deep dish tastes as fresh as when it came out the oven yesterday.
You go about reading your paper while enjoying your pie and coffee. On the front page, what’s this? JFK shot dead? Surely this is America’s darkest hour. You must not have set your time travel device far enough back to prevent the assassination. Oh well, better luck next time, Time Cop!
You have failed to stop the assassination of JFK.
[[> Restart|Start]](if: $character is "Thandie")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/salty-thandie.jpg">]
(if: $character is "James")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/salty-james.jpg">]
(if: $character is "Blended")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/salty.jpg">]
“Aww sugarpie. I can’t see you starve. I won’t allow it. I won’t allow it again. You know how many starving people are out there in world and I let them die? Never again! We did just have a position in the kitchen open up after our last fry cook got drafted. Have you ever worked in a kitchen before, hunny?”
[[> Yes|Broke Yes]]
[[> No|Broke No]]<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/salty-broke-yes.jpg">
You end up working as a fry cook in the restaurant. You listen to the sassy wisecracks of your previous waiter, now co-worker. You learn that they used to be a motown backup singer and that their sassiness is just a defense mechanism from missing the halcyon days of tearing up the stage of a member of The Chickadees. You learn to appreciate Raul’s acerbic wit and revel in hearing of his formative days back in Guatemala.
And who could forget Lucas, the dishwasher? His hearty laugh and smiling eyes become more apparent once you learn to see past his rough exterior.
You go home every night sweaty, but satisfied. This is the life for you. Hard work with three people that might have started as strangers, but now feel like family. Congratulations! You not only got deep dish, you also got deep fulfillment, which few of us in this life seldom do!
Please print out your certificate of completion.
<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/pizza-certificate.jpg"><img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/salty.jpg">
“Aw well that’s alright. Our cook can teach you the ropes. It’s so easy the guy that got drafted could do it.”
[[> Okay|Broke Yes]]<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/deep-dish-plain.jpg">
Congratulations! You’re out for a night of deep dish pizza, a Chicago specialty and always a treat!
[[> Yes|Occasion]]<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/deep-dish-plain.jpg">
Deep dish pizza is always a special occasion, what is the occasion?
[[> Paroled! |Occasion2]]
[[> I have this coupon for one deep dish that is about to expire!|Occasion2]]
[[> Just learned to wink!|Occasion2]]
[[> A foot taller!|Occasion2]]<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/Occasion2.jpg">
What would you like your synthetic waiter to look like? Thandie Newton or James Marsden? Or Both, Blended Together?
(link: "> Thandie Newton, I loved her in Westworld season two")[(set: $character to "Thandie")(goto: "archetype")]
(link: "> James Marsden, I loved him in Westworld season two")[(set: $character to "James")(goto: "archetype")]
(link: "> Use an advanced neural-net processor to blend them together. I need to see what that would look like")[(set: $character to "Blended")(goto: "intro-blended")]<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/intro-blended3.jpg">
Behold.
[[> Incredible! I loved half of you in Star Wars: Solo.|archetype]]<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/archetype.jpg">
Now, what archetype would you like your waiter to inhabit?
[[> Fancy & European|fancy-start]]
[[> Struggling actor|actor-start]]
[[> Salty Diner|salty-start]]
[[> Old tyme chuckwagon cook|chuck-start]](if: $character is "Thandie")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/actor-thandie.jpg">]
(if: $character is "James")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/actor-james.jpg">]
(if: $character is "Blended")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/actor-blended-2.jpg">]
You’re sitting at your table in the deep dish pizzeria, and your waiter approaches. They wear the weary smile of someone working hard for their dream. By night, waiting tables, but by day, dancing, singing, acting. A true triple treat begging for a cruel world to notice them. They hand you a menu.
[[> Okay|actor-2]]
[[> Sing and dance for me|actor-2]]
[[> Don’t I know you from DePaul?|actor-2]](if: $character is "Thandie")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/fancy-thandie-default.jpg">]
(if: $character is "James")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/fancy-james-default.jpg">]
(if: $character is "Blended")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/fancy-default.jpg">]
You’re sitting at your wrought iron table in the deep dish pizzeria, something about this place and situation feels familiar. There is the ringing of a bell and your waiter approaches. They wear a pristine white apron that goes all the way to their twice-shined shoes and wear the responsibilities of the old country on their lined face. They have been a waiter for as long as there have been waiters and tonight, they are waiting on you.
[[> Okay|fancy-2]]
[[> This is a dining experience I’m sure to treasure for the rest of my life.|fancy-2]]<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/chuck.jpg">
You’re suddenly sitting on a log near a fire. Cookie, an eldery chuckwagon operator, limps out to greet you and offers you a slug of whisky in a tin cup. Cookie ain’t been the same since the mining accident, but always has a twinkle in their eye like they have stories to tell. Cookie tosses another branch on the fire. You forgot about the whole Thandie and James thing and wanting deep dish pizza, because it hasn’t been invented yet.
[[> Okay|chuck-1]]
[[> Howdy, Cookie, mighty fine night. I thought I’d come sit by the campfire and enjoy some of your vittles.|chuck-1]](if: $character is "Thandie")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/actor-thandie.jpg">]
(if: $character is "James")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/actor-james.jpg">]
(if: $character is "Blended")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/actor-blended-2.jpg">]
“Hey guys, how are we doing tonight? I’m tired from some mixed media performance athletics today, but you’d never know it from my million dollar smile. Art is my bread and butter, but can I offer you some metaphor-free bread and butter?”
[[> Okay|actor-3]]
[[> Do you think Mapplethorpe was a provocateur or a true visionary?|actor-3]](if: $character is "Thandie")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/actor-thandie.jpg">]
(if: $character is "James")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/actor-james.jpg">]
(if: $character is "Blended")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/actor-blended-2.jpg">]
“I’ll give you some time to look at the menu. Really look at it. How does it make you feel? It’s okay if some emotions bubble up to the surface, just notice them and let them float through you.”
[[> Okay|actor-4]]<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/actor-menu.jpg">
You examine your menu, which is a big piece of paper on a clipboard. Words like “farm” and “red” jump out at you. Should you be a poet?
[[> Yes, I’d rather go home and practice the villanelle form instead of enjoying a deep dish pizza.|poet-ending]]
[[> No, I’d rather stay here and enjoy an evening of deep dish pizza.|actor-no-poet]]<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/actor-fail2.jpg">
You slip out the back door and into a night of a thousand stars. You get home and fill a college-ruled Composition notebook with dozens of pages of verse, then fall into a dreamless sleep. Your journey ends here, traveller.
You have failed to eat deep dish pizza.
[[> Restart|Start]]<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/actor-start.jpg">
Your waiter returns. “Hello my friend, would you like some toppings on your deep dish pizza?”
[[> Okay|actor-toppings-yes]]
[[> No toppings, thanks. I’m on a diet where I can eat everything except toppings.|actor-toppings-wait-no]](if: $character is "Thandie")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/actor-thandie.jpg">]
(if: $character is "James")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/actor-james.jpg">]
(if: $character is "Blended")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/actor-blended-2.jpg">]
“Getting toppings means that it’ll be about a 45 minute wait, is that okay?”
[[> Okay|actor-toppings-wait-yes]]
[[> No, I won’t get toppings then.|actor-toppings-wait-no]]<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/deep-dish-plain.jpg">
Your pizza arrives and it’s awesome. You take a big bite even though your waiter warns you it’s hot. Were you patient enough, or is your mouth painfully burnt?
[[> I’m painfully burnt and I would like to leave this deep dish pizzeria and go to a hospital to get a new mouth.|actor-epic-mouth]]
[[> This deep dish pizza tastes epic and my mouth is healthier than ever.|actor-mouth-ending]]<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/actor-start.jpg">
“Ordering the deep dish with no toppings means that it’ll be about a 45 minute wait, is that okay?”
[[> Okay|actor-toppings-wait-yes]](if: $character is "Thandie")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/actor-thandie-sad.jpg">]
(if: $character is "James")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/actor-james-sad.jpg">]
(if: $character is "Blended")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/actor-blended-sad.jpg">]
The waiter leaves you alone with your pizza. This pizza is so yummy you can’t stop eating it, and that’s pretty cool. Uh oh! Here comes your waiter, and they look pissed.
“My rejection letter from Juilliard just came. I’m 36 and out of options. Can my Komodo dragon and I move in with you?”
[[> Okay|actor-ending-roommates]]
[[> I already have a Komodo dragon and am worried she wouldn’t get along with yours.|actor-ending-dragon]]
[[> I’d have to ask my mom, but just warning you she’s kind of weird about stuff like this.|actor-ending-mom]]<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/actor-epic-mouth.jpg">
You toss all the money you have in the world on the table before slipping out the back door of the pizzeria. You go to the hospital and they give you a new mouth, and this one has a lip ring! Enjoy that lip ring. Your journey ends here, traveller.
You have failed to eat deep dish pizza.
[[> Restart|Start]](if: $character is "Thandie")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/actor-thandie.jpg">]
(if: $character is "James")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/actor-james.jpg">]
(if: $character is "Blended")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/actor-blended-2.jpg">]
“Thank you so much! Hey, this pizza’s on the house. See you tomorrow, roomie!”
[[> Okay|actor-ending-roommates2]](if: $character is "Thandie")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/actor-thandie.jpg">]
(if: $character is "James")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/actor-james.jpg">]
(if: $character is "Blended")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/actor-blended-2.jpg">]
“Well maybe we could have a playdate with the two of them and just see how it goes?”
[[> Okay|actor-ending-roommates]]
[[> Please leave me alone so I can enjoy my beautiful deep dish pizza free from your problems.|actor-ending-alone]](if: $character is "Thandie")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/actor-thandie.jpg">]
(if: $character is "James")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/actor-james.jpg">]
(if: $character is "Blended")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/actor-blended-2.jpg">]
“It’s okay, my mom’s weird too. Anyway, enjoy your pizza.”
[[> Okay|actor-ending-mom-2]]<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/actor-roommates-magazine.jpg">
Your waiter and their Komodo dragon move into your one bedroom, and you all start a magazine called “Roommates Magazine” together. It works out great. Your journey ends here, traveller.
Please print out your certificate of completion.
<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/pizza-certificate.jpg"><img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/actor-epic-mouth.jpg">
The waiter leaves you to your pizza. You eat it all up and enjoy every last bite before tossing all the money you have in the world on the table and slipping out the back door of the pizzeria. Your journey ends here, traveller.
Congratulations, you have successfully eaten a deep dish pizza.
Please print out your certificate of completion.
<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/pizza-certificate.jpg"><img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/actor-epic-mouth.jpg">
The waiter leaves you to your pizza. You eat it all up and enjoy every last bite before tossing all the money you have in the world on the table and slipping out the back door of the pizzeria. Your journey ends here, traveller.
Please print out your certificate of completion.
<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/pizza-certificate.jpg">(if: $character is "Thandie")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/fancy-thandie-default.jpg">]
(if: $character is "James")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/fancy-james-smiling.jpg">]
(if: $character is "Blended")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/fancy-happy.jpg">]
“Welcome to ze deep dish pizzeria, tonight I exist to make your meal *kisses fingers* exquisite. May I recommend some wine while you wait? Ze deep dish pizza, it takes so long to bake to perfection *salutes*.”
They kiss a menu, and hand it to you
[[> Okay|fancy-3]]
[[> Please tell me of this wine you speak of|fancy-3]]<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/fancy-bell.jpg">
“I must recommend our wine. It is exquisite, and tastes like wine should *kisses fingers*. I shall get you a bottle while you peruse ze menu. Give zis tiny, silver bell a ring if you need anything from me.”
They hand you a tiny, silver bell.
“But a warning…never ring ze bell in rage.”
[[> Okay|fancy-4]]
[[> I shall only ring the bell in happiness|fancy-4]]<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/fancy-bell.jpg">
You take some time to look at the menu. It’s bound in beautiful leather and smells of sandalwood and warm spices. The options for deep dish are laid out before you, and every pie looks more perfect and delicious than the last. You see there is a *Chef’s Special* that almost seems tailor-made for your palette.
You ring the bell with no ill-intent in your heart, and the waiter returns, a dusty bottle of wine in their hand. They pour you a glass as you order. They do not need to write your order down, which is always a sign of a Very Fancy Restaurant.
[[> I shall have pepperoni deep dish pizza|fancy-deep-dish]]
[[> I will have the *Chef’s Special* deep dish pizza|fancy-chefs-special]](if: $character is "Thandie")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/fancy-thandie-default.jpg">]
(if: $character is "James")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/fancy-james-smiling.jpg">]
(if: $character is "Blended")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/fancy-happy.jpg">]
“Ah, very good! You are clearly a connoisseur of pepperoni, ze meat of ze gods. Ours is imported from a single pepperoni artisan who lives on an uncharted island off the Italian coast. Some say he is a direct descendant of Michelangelo, for zis reason he is known as “ze Michelangelo of Pepperonis” *kisses at the air*.
[[> Okay|fancy-wine]]
[[> I will savor the pepperonis|fancy-wine]](if: $character is "Thandie")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/fancy-thandie-default.jpg">]
(if: $character is "James")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/fancy-james-smiling.jpg">]
(if: $character is "Blended")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/fancy-happy.jpg">]
“Ah, ho ho ho! You are clearly a true Pizza Enjoyer™! Our chef dreams up a special pie every day in hopes someone will have the good taste to order it! He will be dancing when I tell him you have honored his special pie with your choice!”
[[> Okay|fancy-wine]]
[[> Tell the Chef I’m honored by his pizza pie|fancy-wine]](if: $character is "Thandie")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/fancy-thandie-default.jpg">]
(if: $character is "James")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/fancy-james-smiling.jpg">]
(if: $character is "Blended")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/fancy-happy.jpg">]
“Just to warn you, ze deep dish pizza takes 45 minutes or more to prepare properly. We often have guests join us before the opera or an important gala, and so we warn you that this meal is not one to be enjoyed quickly. If you need me, please ring ze bell, but a reminder: if you are unhappy with ze wait for the pizza and ring ze bell in anger...zere will be terrible consequences.
[[> I understand, and I do not care, I want tonight to last forever|fancy-wait]]
[[> I have come to terms with the wait time for deep dish pizza, and shall keep my anger locked up tight|fancy-wait]]
[[> (You feel a quiet rage starting to build inside you)|fancy-wait]]<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/fancy-wine.jpg">
As you wait for your pizza, you take a look around the fancy deep dish pizzeria. All around you are the crème de la crème of the upper crust, or in plainer terms: the creamiest top bread people. Sitting in high-backed chairs, you see them sipping wine. Do you feel at home in this fancy crowd? Or like an outsider?
[[> I am very fancy, these nouveau riche swine better not stare at me while I enjoy my pie! They’ll never work in this town again!|fancy-gentleman]]
[[> My impostor syndrome is acting up something fierce! What if they find out I’m not one of them? I’ll never work in this town again!|fancy-gentleman]]<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/baron.jpg">
An old gentleman, resplendent in a cape and top hat, sits alone nearby. He is slowly dunking a piece of Crazy Bread™ into his glass of wine and then licking it. He has the bearing of royalty, maybe a Duke, a Count, or a Baron.
[[> Okay|fancy-back-to-pizza]]
[[> I raise my glass to the gentleman, and wish him well in his bread meal.|hello-baron]]<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/baron.jpg">
The old man raises his glass back and laughs merrily. He stands, slowly, and walks over to your table.
“Good evening! I am Baron Count-Duke, of the Illinois Count-Dukes. I won my Baronship in a game of vigorous backgammon, so I am not one of those ‘hoity-toity’ Barons you’ve undoubtedly heard about. I noticed you across the restaurant and found you to be the most fetching creature I’ve ever seen. I...do not notice a ring on your finger...would you honor this old Baron by marrying me and traveling the world with me for my remaining years?
[[> Okay|yes-baron]]
[[> I’m sorry, Dear Baron, but I am married, I just swallowed my ring yesterday by accident.|no-baron]]
[[> Oh, Dear Baron! I accept! I accept a thousand times!|yes-baron]]<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/fancy-island.jpg">
The Baron takes your hand and whisks you off to the far reaches of the globe. You are wed by a sea captain and spend many happy years with the Baron. As he slips from this world at the ripe old age of 104, you think back to your many adventures and sit down to write a novel about the experience. The novel will later be adapted into a hit film starring several actors ready to make the leap from television to film. Your journey ends here, traveler, as you retire to an island and marry several of the actors from the film.
You have failed to eat deep dish pizza.
[[> Restart|Start]]<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/von-duke.jpg">
The Baron limps away, broken hearted. On that night, Baron Count-Dukes dies and the criminal mastermind Baron Death is born. Donning a mask made of deep dish pizza pie tin, he sets out to plan your doom! You have made a powerful enemy tonight, my friend, a powerful enemy indeed!
*Baron Death will return in The Chicago Genius Herald Presents “Jewel Theft Simulator”
[[> Okay|fancy-back-to-pizza]]<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/fancy-bell.jpg">
The minutes tick by as you await your special pizza. You’ve finished way more of the bottle of wine than anyone thought you could and your stomach is beginning to rumble. The bell sits alluringly before you. Do you ring the bell and summon your fancy waiter?
[[> I leave the bell alone. Good pizza takes time.|fancy-wait-bell]]
[[> I ring the bell, but just to check in, no malice intended.|fancy-3]]
[[> I ring the bell, filled with rage. Where is my pizza, you fancy fuck?|fancy-rage-bell]]<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/pizza-shame.jpg">
A silence falls over the restaurant as the sound of the bell rings out, angry and piercing. Diners clutch their ears and scream as the shrill ring echoes throughout the restaurant. Glassware shatters, and people are drenched in wine and sauce. Your waiter approaches the table, their white apron stained and their expression strained.
“What have you done? You’ve truly ruined everyzing!”
A chant of “Pizza Shame! Pizza Shame!” begins as the waiter fastens a wrought iron collar around your neck. You are led to the Pizza Shame Cage™, the cramped, filthy lodging that will be your home for the rest of your days. Your journey ends here as your new life begins. “The Creature That Wouldn’t Wait for Deep Dish,” the sign on the bars reads. You are pelted with pizza crusts for the rest of your miserable days.
You have failed to eat deep dish pizza.
[[> Restart|Start]](if: $character is "Thandie")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/fancy-thandie-default.jpg">]
(if: $character is "James")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/fancy-james-default.jpg">]
(if: $character is "Blended")
[<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/fancy-default.jpg">]
Mere moments after the thought passes through your hungry little head your waiter approaches, carrying a piping hot deep dish pizza in a pair of industrial tongs. It is fresh from the oven and the metal of the deep dish tin glows red.
“Here it iz!” says your waiter, “your deep dish pizza!”
They bow over and over again, kissing their fingers and refilling your wine glass.
“Enjoy your pizza, my beautiful friend, and if you need anyzing - a new fork, a refill of wine, one of my kidneys - please ring ze bell! Oh, it has been such a honor to serve you!”
[[> Okay|fancy-end]]<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/deep-dish-plain.jpg">
You dig into the first slice of pizza and the taste is truly mind-blowing. The sauce, the cheese, the toppings, the flakiness of the buttery crust. This is heaven. This is what going out to eat is all about. Today is the first day of the rest of your life and it’s only going to get better from here! You stuff more pizza into your mouth and hold it, letting the pizza dissolve and sucking down the slime. Ah, to be alive! To be eating at a restaurant! Congratulations! You win!
Please print out your certificate of completion.
<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/pizza-certificate.jpg"><img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/chuck.jpg">
Owww! Howdy, Howdy! Can I get ye a plate of beans? Er how ‘bout a slice of fatback and some more of this here whisky!?
[[> Okay|chuck-end]]
[[> Boy, howdy! That sound Deeeeee-licious there, Cookie! Say, how about you pile me up a mess of beans and keep that whisky flowin!|chuck-end]]<img src="https://thechicagogenius.com/sites/default/files/chuck-beans.jpg">
Cookie piles you up a mess of their famous beans and you go to town on 1plate after plate of beans. Cookie refills your tin cup with whisky multiple times and tells you tall tales about their life on the range. It’s a simple life, but it’s yours and you're happy. Cookie begins to sing to you a song about the High Sierras in their raspy, but pleasant voice. You close your eyes and lean back on the log, tomorrow is another day for you to earn your keep and make your fortune out here in the Ol’ West.
You have failed to eat deep dish pizza. [[Restart|Start]]
