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Chance the Rapper Becomes Chance the Deep Cleaner in Anticipation of Mother-In-Law’s Visit

“You gotta make sure everything is perfect when Ms. C comes to visit. You don’t want no problem.”

CTA Discontinues Loop-de-Loop Rail Course in Loop

"I loved going through the terrifying experience of being upside down in a slowly moving commuter train. It gave me the ‘pep’ I needed to get through a full day of penny trading. I guess I’ll need to go back to cocaine.”

Environmental Pressures, Decreasing Fish Population Blamed for Chicago Bears’ Losing Season

"I mean, look at Tarik 'Chicken Salad' Cohen. How is a 5’6” 179lb player supposed to maintain enough body fat to sleep in a cave for four months?”

City Introduces New Gladiator Battle Program for Dispensary Licenses

Quite a few hopeful applicants arrived at city hall in the hours after the press conference, aiming to be among the first to chisel their names into the Arena Entrant tablet.

People Who Call It "Charbucks" Beginning To Suspect They Might Be Losing Culture War

"I guess we just kind of assumed if we continued to draw attention to the fact that Starbucks coffee—let’s be frank here—tastes burnt by saying that we called it ‘Charbucks,’ people would eventually develop better taste,” said Louisa Heck, 38, an assistant curator of paintings of blobby baby Jesus for the Art Institute of Chicago."

Disillusioned Chicagoan Excited To Lay Into Some Other Dump On Work Trip

"I hate the streets, I hate the public transit, I hate the weather...but lately it’s all seemed a little rote, you know?"

New Apartment Somehow Four Buses Away From All Trader Joes’ In City

“My last apartment was kind of in the middle of nowhere, so I got used to finding groceries wherever I could—Walgreens, ALDI, the bags of long-grain rice my neighbor threw through my window every Tuesday—your usual neighborhood go-tos. But I thought this new place would change some things.”

Grizzled CTA Passenger Tells Legend of Express Train That Never, Ever Stops

“T’ain’t no reason to be lookin’ up at the screens, friends. At this time of night the trains become wilder, more unpredictable. They say at this time of night the express train that never, ever stops roams these tracks, not pickin’ up passengers, just leavin’ folks standing in the cold, frustrated and delayed.”

Strike Over! Lori Lightfoot Has Announced She's Giving Chicago Teachers Tickets To Imagine Dragons At Lincoln Yards

“That’s...not actually how any of this works,” said a nonplussed rep for the CTU, presumably stunned into speechlessness by the opportunity to see the pop megastars responsible for “Radioactive,” “Thunder” and “Whatever It Takes.” “We’re currently still negotiating. Mayor Lightfoot can’t just...we’re not interested in tickets to Imagine Dragons.”

Gesticulating Architecture Tour Guide Accidentally Traces Dread Sign of Flauros In Air

His enthusiastic gestures towards Chicago’s midcentury masterpieces immediately began summoning the demon and his thirty-six legions to our mortal plane, a hail of fire emitting from the top deck of Chicago’s Classic Lady.