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Delta Variant Spotted at Lollapalooza Covered in Glitter, Drinking Vodka From a Waterbottle

“I’m flying back to Colorado through O’Hare, I can’t wait to tell everyone I meet that I met DV.” 

Chicago Waste Study Finds Chicago Could Improve Recycling Numbers By Recycling

City Council plans to begin discussing some of these recommendations in August’s city council meeting, although Chicago Genius Herald sources indicate that many aldermen have already expressed bewilderment at the very concept of recycling.

Man Starts Hydrating for Lollapalooza Now

“I’m starting to sweat just thinking about it, I’d better have another glass of water,” said Bragg, refilling one of three glasses of water in front of him during our interview. “The real trick is staying hydrated enough that I don’t turn into a withered husk and collapse into a pile of dust like one of the bad treasure hunters in Brendan Fraiser’s The Mummy without ever having to go stand in line for an hour to pee in a sauna-like port-a-john.”

Time Traveler? Maskless Man Sitting Next to People on the Train Must Be From 2019

“It was like everyone knew,” said Carol, “the moment he got off everyone seemed to breathe easier. That guy was definitely on a mission to the future. Either that or he’s just some contrarian asshole who refuses to wear a mask on the train as some sort of half-assed protest daring people to say something. Unfortunately it’s impossible to tell which one is which, so I’m going to be safe and assume Terminator.”

Cubs To Require All Foul Balls Be Returned In Cost-Cutting Move

Wrigley Field ushers have become overzealous in pursuit of “ball thieves,” as the Cubs clubhouse puts it.

Lincoln Park Zoo Moves Forward With Redevelopment of Lion Enclosure Into Luxury Condos

A new pride of lions will indeed be moving in once the redevelopment is completed in September; the previous family of big cats, which had resided in the habitat for years, will be moving to another lower-rent zoo in Ohio.

Chicago Set to 50% Opacity

“I can kind of see you’re upset,” License told the semitransparent crowd, “but there’s no reason to worry. I’ll be changing it back on the next draft. It looks terrible over the background layer anyway.”

CTA Pride Train Pledges to Run Over at Least 2 Homophobes This Month

“Here at the CTA, we’re trying not to be like every other corporation co-opting the aesthetics of pride to hawk our services. This year, we’d like to use our actions to demonstrate our values. Actions like pancaking a few guys who suck here and there. I dunno, we’re trying it out!”

Chicagoans Urged to Eat 120 Sport Peppers Each to Support Struggling Hot Dog Stands

“Sixty hotdogs isn’t a lot to ask of our community,” said Pankodopolis, “many Chicagoans—in particular our population of thick-necked men with impossibly European-sounding last names—are already having dozens of dogs a month. We just need the rest of you to rise to the occasion.”

Mccormick Place to Install Whirling Blades, Auto-Turrets to Bring Up Bird Kill Numbers

"Frankly, a building of this size should be killing birds in the thousands, not hundreds. We’re hoping we can increase the center’s external weaponry—which is unfortunately currently at ‘none’—in an effort to get our numbers to ‘oil spill’ levels of bird murder.”