Chicago

The Latest

Chicago Signs Deal For 10 More Years of Lollapalooza, Then 10 Years of Famine

After the news broke, Chicagoans began stocking up for the years of devastation that will follow the years of Bad Bunny and Loona. Residents citywide cracked open their grain silos to fill with Italian beef, with mothers jarring giardiniera and children carrying pails of Malort from the local well.

Andersonville Woman Devastated to Learn La Colombe Isn’t a Local Mom and Pop

Stolling up Clark, the wind in her hair, Croslen congratulated herself on being so much better than all those people that shop at Am*zon. 

New Divvy Bike Only Accepts Gold Coins

Divvy says specially sized gold coins are available at newly installed kiosks, and that other gold coins may work, but if it’s too small or isn’t pure enough gold, the machine will eat it.

Mysterious Racer L Vows to End Chicago Drag Racing One Week After Mayor Lightfoot Disappears in Big Wreck

The enigmatic maverick’s sudden appearance has captivated Chicagoans citywide, most of all the late Lori Lightfoot’s younger brother Speed Lightfoot, 17, who had always dreamed of following in his older sister’s footsteps as mayor of Chicago and also professional racecar driver, which she sort of did on the side. 

Locals Declare Chicagoland Better Than Chicagoworld

To incentivize patronage, the CTA issued Ventra FastPasses for elite members. However, they still can’t guarantee wait times shorter than 28 minutes during peak hours. 

Reckless Cyclist Almost Runs Jeep Grand Wagoneer off Western Ave

“If I hadn’t had the wherewithal to utilize my brakes system, I might be sitting here talking to you right now with a decapitated head and a bruised collarbone.”

Chicago Woman Emotionally Prepares for the “Mean Teens” of Lollapalooza

They’ll judge you for age, your haircut, and for not knowing the lyrics of the songs by rock duo “Wet Leg.” 

Metra Plans High School Kegger Trains to Promote Lollapalooza Ridership

Inspired by the Metra promotion, the CTA hopes to increase Gen Z ridership with its new slogan “Buses are Bussin’, No Cap”, despite being labeled cringe.

Lightfoot Proposes Dome Over Chicago Bears to Keep Them From Leaving

“If there was a bridge we could have raised to keep them here, we would have raised it.”

Based Red-Winged Blackbird Only Attacks Chicago Cops

“Then in 2020, I know he did some work with Anticaww!, which is like Antifa for birds because like, you know, it’s the sound a crow makes.”