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Chicago Scientists Discover Extremophile Stock Boy in Mariano’s Trench

“Imagine a stock worker who can survive in the most extreme conditions,” recounted mission team leader Kyle Margarite, 44. “We’re talking no 15 minute breaks, plus it can be working in the walk-in beer freezer for hours without succumbing to the cold.”

Facing Budget Cuts, Immersive Van Gogh Replaced With Fireplace for Your Home: Birchwood Edition

OLD TOWN — Due to decreasing turnout, the Immersive Van Gogh exhibit executive team has made the decision to discontinue its namesake installation and instead reprogram the exhibit to display a 90,

Kris Bryant Returns to Wrigley Field to Pick Up The Rest of His Shit

WRIGLEY FIELD — With the San Francisco Giants in town to play the Cubs, beloved former Cubs third baseman Kris Bryant made his first return to the Windy City since being traded in July.

Vienna Beef Headquarters Flaunting Increasingly Rococo Style

“When people see the Vienna Beef brand, they associate it with European opulence and glamour,” said PR rep Lambert-Sigisbert Adam, 59, admiring the asymmetrical shells festooning a decorative column on the loading dock. “So we’re aiming to give them more of the same with this remodel.”

Block Party Clearly Just One Family That Wanted to Rent Bouncy Castle

That Saturday, the neighborhood watched as the Kirkman family blocked off Sunnydale and set up the bouncy castle. Much of the other aspects of a typical Chicago block party, neighbors noticed, were absent.

Lincoln Park Zoo Apologizes Again for “Greasy,” the Catalytic Converter Thief Raccoon

Greasy, who has already been convicted several times on counts of larceny, destruction of property, and grand theft auto, has again spent the summer accumulating an impressive pile of parts at his Lincoln Park Zoo habitat. Zoo officials have found it “nigh impossible” to contain Greasy’s criminal streak.

Lake Michigan Rises to Unsettling 90 Degree Angle

Chicago residents have been treated to a rare glimpse of lake dwellers as hundreds of walleye and Chinook salmon were swept up with the rising tides. “It’s like an aquarium but all the fish are kinda gross looking,” noted Kyra Evans, 7. “Living in the lake must be kind of a bummer, if everyone looks like that.”

Michigan Avenue Motorcycle Caravans Challenged to Thunderdome by Road Priest of Lowest Wacker

The Road Priest Chromon of Lowest Wacker has issued a rare public declaration, challenging these riders to a Thunderdome for their flagrant disregard of Chromon’s iron rule.

Checkmate: Rookery to B6

“We’ve never seen this before,” said grandmaster Evan Pollin, 68. “Quite simply, this is unprecedented, and a little weird.” 

Architecture Cruise Tour Guide Spices up Tour by Revealing Which Famous Buildings Have Slept Together

First Lady Cruises, which usually doesn’t offer an erotic version of its famous architecture cruise, assured that Robiel’s secret sexual history of Chicago’s skyline was sort of an “off menu option,” not unlike In-N-Out’s “animal style sandwich,” and not an indication of any sort of mental break on the part of the veteran guide.