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DraftKings Relaunches in Illinois With New Option to Directly Link to Your Kids’ College Fund

“With sports betting now on your phone, you can take gambling anywhere! On the toilet, in your home office, or out behind your recently re-mortgaged house where your spouse can’t find you.”

Scientists Warn That Warming Temperatures Put Chicago "Dangerously Close" To Ideal Conditions For ‘Predator 2’ Remake

We’re rapidly approaching what climatologists consider the "Predator 2 tipping point".

Chicagoans Can Get Free Flu Shots...But Should They? Yes

Chicagoans are wondering: should they get their flu shots? The answer to their question is yes. 

Chicago Real Estate Developer Replaces Aging Greystone With Single Pane of Glass

“Nowadays people don’t want a generous porch, or beautifully recessed windows. They want to feel like they’re living inside John Wick’s House,” said Michael Matthew Carter, 42, project manager for Platinum.

“If You Love Something, Set It Free” Says Man Pushing Yacht Out of DuSable Harbor 

“Fuck, I’m gonna miss that boat, dude. She was good, and pure, and I had sex on it,” Gregg said, sighing heavily. “When you have a boat, you don’t even remember what it’s like not to have a boat.”

Mayor Lightfoot Lowers Bridges Into River

“No one said how low they wanted the bridges, just that they wanted them lower,” said Mayor Lightfoot. “It’s not my problem if you all ‘monkey pawed’ yourselves.”

Suburbs Mourn Part of Chicago That Felt Like Suburbs

“The Nordstrom on Mag Mile was my Chicago ‘happy place,’” said Danelle Harris, 60, retired, from Mount Prospect, IL. “When I start feeling out of place in the big city at least I could go in and condescend to an hourly employee about something obviously outside their control. You can’t find that experience elsewhere in the city. Or at least I’ve never looked.”

Lightfoot Suspends White Drug Arrests, Honoring Lost Festival Season

“Look at them. All glittered up and nowhere to go. I want these white people to know that they can use their party drugs while social distancing and still get the same legally-overlooked high as they would at Lolla.” 

Lightfoot Temporarily Removes Columbus Statues, Assigns Them Racial Sensitivity Training, Desk Duty

"Getting rid of these statues is just not feasible. Instead, we need to focus on reforming these statues through more training and the lightest punishment possible.”

Chicago Health Officials Advise Avoiding Crowded Bars “Unless It’s Jessica’s Birthday”

Jessica, last name withheld, 26, a paralegal who lives in River North, was especially exempt from the Department’s advisement due to her long-planned upcoming birthday outing.