chicago

The Latest

Nature Is Healing! The Mermen Have Returned To Lower Wacker

“FOR TOO LONG WE HAVE DREAMT,” hissed Ichthous Spumous XI, 567, the 7-foot tall King of the Mermen told The Chicago Genius Herald when reporters caught up with him as he patrolled the flooded River Walk. 

Six Flags Great America to Reopen for Only One Person at a Time

Until the park fully reopens, however; park management has informed the remaining 5% of staff that they will be performing 100% of the duties. 

To Encourage Social Distancing, CTA Encouraging Riders To Ride On Top

Customers will be instructed to board and exit through a small rope ladder on the side of the bus.

Mayor Lightfoot Infiltrates, Then Busts Record-Breaking 1000 Person Fuckfest

Several SWAT teams broke into The Grand Procession Of Sex and started subduing Carnivalgoers with mace, zip ties and handcuffs, much to their delight.

Chicagoan Struggling to Embrace Visible Roots After Two Months Without the Salon

“Benny takes a lot of pride in his hair,” said basketball enthusiast Michael Jordan, 57. “He gets it dyed twice a month. I think it looks awesome, and I hope his natural color isn’t gross.” 

Divvy Bikes Going Feral

“The first bike that breaks away from the station, that’s the Alpha Bike,” Bratt explains. “The Alpha will then free the others in that station and form a peloton. From that point on, they’re on the hunt for just one thing: fresh blood.” 

Chicago Considers Tapping Into Strategic Pork Reserves Beneath City

The Meat Council, which traditionally exists to ensure everyone in Chicago knows that meat is delicious and what condiments are acceptable, can in times of crisis access the estimated thirty thousand tons of meat products held in vaults, caves and piles under the city.

Environmental Crisis: Trash Threatens to Overtake Last Zoomable Area in Apartment

Towers of empty Old Style cans loomed over the coffee table and a Great Kitchen Garbage Patch of delivery containers marred the once-beautiful views from Sealy’s MacBook camera.

The Next Hannibal Lecter? This Woman’s Heartbeat Stayed at a Cool 85 BPM While Shopping at Trader Joe’s

When asked by an employee if she needed help finding anything, Masters shook her head. “Just looking,” she replied, chillingly.