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Lightfoot Suspends White Drug Arrests, Honoring Lost Festival Season

“Look at them. All glittered up and nowhere to go. I want these white people to know that they can use their party drugs while social distancing and still get the same legally-overlooked high as they would at Lolla.” 

Lightfoot Temporarily Removes Columbus Statues, Assigns Them Racial Sensitivity Training, Desk Duty

"Getting rid of these statues is just not feasible. Instead, we need to focus on reforming these statues through more training and the lightest punishment possible.”

Chicago Health Officials Advise Avoiding Crowded Bars “Unless It’s Jessica’s Birthday”

Jessica, last name withheld, 26, a paralegal who lives in River North, was especially exempt from the Department’s advisement due to her long-planned upcoming birthday outing.

Police Union President Proposes Replacing CPS Teachers With Cops

“Everyone complains all the time about schools being underfunded,” Catamaran said. “You know what department has never been underfunded? The freakin’ police! If you surrender your schools to us, I guarantee we’ll have a tank in every school parking lot by 2021.”

Retirement-Age Cop Worried About How Many Tanks, Berettas He’ll Realistically Be Able to Afford on $62,000-A-Year Pension

"I’m prepared to make some sacrifices. Like the grenade launcher. I’m prepared to only buy one, instead of the three I’d like to really splurge on."

Six Dead After Brutal Lou Malnati's and Giordano's Feud Reignites

Two households, both alike in dignity,
In fair Chicago, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny, 
Where secret sauce makes personal pans unclean.

Lightfoot Urges Caution on 4th of July to Crowd Actively Lighting Fireworks

“I can’t stress this enough, people. You just need to not get insane, lit, faded, goofed up, destroyed, wrecked, blended, wasted, or drunk all weekend,” the Mayor said, nearly inaudible over the din of firecrackers, poppers, and an increasingly loud chant for the Mayor to do a kegstand.

Woman Who Went Home at Start of Pandemic Returns to City in Covert HALO Insertion

The following day Emily reportedly posted on Instagram with a selfie of her in her apartment with a caption “Ugh stuck in this place for months! Who’s ready for phase 4?!”

Conscientious Riot Cop Struggling To Practice Appropriate Social Distancing During Protests

“I’d like to spend the recommended two weeks in self-isolation after every time I violently oppress unarmed protesters, but unfortunately that’s just not in the cards.”

Lori Lightfoot Thanks All Protestors Who Peacefully Stayed Home, Didn’t Make Signs or Call Her Office

“Protesting is American,” said Mayor Lightfoot, “But it is critical that Chicagoans do it in a way that does not disrupt business or make anyone feel uncomfortable. So when I see folks try to take advantage of a tragic situation by expressing their anger in a tangible way, that is simply unacceptable.”