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After Ending Cash Bail, Illinois Officials Reassure Constituents They Still Have Lots of Other Ways to Criminalize Poverty

Together with other Illinois Officials, Matthews reaffirmed his devotion to the work of creating bureaucratic red tape that makes living under the poverty line near-impossible.

Speaker Chris Welch Addresses Illinois House for the First Time by Putting Mike Madigan on Speakerphone, Holding Phone up

“I want to assure you all that Rep. Welch will be fully in control of his role as speaker of the house,” said Rep Madigan over the phone, “but I will occasionally pop in via phone or maybe just brood in the background behind him like a Sith Lord.”

Lime Launches New Mask Sharing Service

The pilot program gives Chicagoans the option to rent any one of the 10,000 reusable face masks that Lime has left just sort of lying around the city.

Man Planning Post-COVID Reinvention Has It Narrowed Down to Aikido Guy, Banjo Guy or Selvedge Denim Guy

Leonas shared that early iterations of his post-COVID reinvention included becoming a Snake Guy, a Knife Guy or an “Aliens Are Real” Guy.

Family Video CEO Gives Thumbs Up As He Sinks Into Vat Of Molten DVD Cases

As news broke this week that Midwestern rental video chain Family Video is closing its doors after 42 years in business, many Chicagoans lamented the death of the last remainder of a bygone era of

Michael Jordan Statue Retiring from United Center to Spend Year Outside Baseball Stadium

NEAR WEST SIDE — The sculpture world turned on its head Thursday morning when the Michael Jordan statue inside the United Center announced that it will be retiring from its position to pursue its l

Real Life Avengers: The Toilet Fraud Guy Is Calling For Donald Trump To Be Impeached

J.B. Pritzker is basically the same as Tony Stark but if he loved Steve Miller Band and the Eagles, didn’t have a robotic exosuit and once ripped five toilets out of the second floor of a $3.2 million mansion he and his wife weren’t even living in so it could be technically classified as a vacant building he only needed to pay 10% of market value’s tax on.

Converted Apartments in Old Church Haunted By Ghost of Jesus

Recently, residents of the converted Second Church of Christ Scientist in Lincoln Park have begun to report sightings of a long haired specter dressed in white rags who keeps quoting Bible verses, which they claim is the ghost of Jesus Christ.

Uh Oh: Benny The Bull To Decide Who Gets Vaccine First, And He HATES Old People With Asthma

In an unprecedented move by Governor Pritzker and the City of Chicago, beloved mascot Benny the Bull has been given total decision-making power over vaccine distribution within the city limits, despite his well known biases towards old people with asthma.