For those who don’t eat pork, this is equivalent to about nine Vienna all-beef hot dogs.

"I was really starting to wonder if the escalator would ever come back to life, but here we are in mid-February and it’s already starting to bloom! Climate change is wild, man."

“I guess I’m glad they’re almost taking this pandemic thing seriously, but...I really suck at darts. My first two votes went into the wall and they said those ‘all count for Joe Biden’? I think I just voted for Joe Biden twice.” 

Friend Who Just Got Laid Off Being Kind Of Annoying About It

AVONDALE—In a frustrating and confusing turn of events, a friend who was just laid off from her food industry job this past week can’t stop talking about being laid off. 

Normal Amount Of Food Purchased

BUENA PARK—In stark contrast to the chaotic scene swirling all around him in Jewel Osco, reports are surfacing that area man Frank Bulliano, 42, is just buying the normal amount of groceries today.

Roommate Briefly Looks Like Delicious Food

LOGAN SQUARE—Assuring himself it was only a symptom of Cabin Fever, Jeremy “Jer” Worzeck, 28, reported briefly seeing his roommate, Lukas Carter, 30, as a delicious, tempting meal early in the afte

Nintendo Rushing to Terraform Additional Islands in Response to Skyrocketing “Animal Crossing” Demand

“We have been very busy in the last few hours, and may God forgive us, but we are ready.”

Exhausted, Glowing Tom Skilling Warns His Powers Can't Keep Polar Vortex Away Much Longer

Skilling, who has been off the air since early March to recover from surgery, emerged from his stasis pod early Sunday and announced, “A tempest grows in the north,” before erupting in green light. 

City Announces Chicago River to Be Dyed With Purell for St. Patrick's Day

This year, spectators are invited to stand no closer than twelve feet apart and to promise to turn and face the other direction when this year’s special float, “A Salute to Chicago’s Oldest Citizens,” rolls by.