The following day Emily reportedly posted on Instagram with a selfie of her in her apartment with a caption “Ugh stuck in this place for months! Who’s ready for phase 4?!”

“I’ve heard the voices of our citizens in the streets, and while I cannot defund the police, I can re-fun the police!” 

"We noticed many other retailers had started making face masks, and that’s when it hit us: why not put a pleasurable spin on this social distancing necessity?"

Lightfoot Urges Caution on 4th of July to Crowd Actively Lighting Fireworks

“I can’t stress this enough, people. You just need to not get insane, lit, faded, goofed up, destroyed, wrecked, blended, wasted, or drunk all weekend,” the Mayor said, nearly inaudible over the din of firecrackers, poppers, and an increasingly loud chant for the Mayor to do a kegstand.

Starbucks Now Offering No Touch Nitro Coffee Spray

“Of course much of our product inspiration comes from nature,” said Starbucks lead product designer Cesar Van de Camp, 45 “And in this case I was deeply influenced by how they hose down elephants at the zoo.”

Scientists Shrink Dr. Fauci Down to Microscopic Size to Combat Virus

“We would’ve loved to have literally any kind holistic national response handed down from the White House, but unfortunately without any executive leadership this is the only option available to us.’'

Conscientious Riot Cop Struggling To Practice Appropriate Social Distancing During Protests

“I’d like to spend the recommended two weeks in self-isolation after every time I violently oppress unarmed protesters, but unfortunately that’s just not in the cards.”

Lori Lightfoot Thanks All Protestors Who Peacefully Stayed Home, Didn’t Make Signs or Call Her Office

“Protesting is American,” said Mayor Lightfoot, “But it is critical that Chicagoans do it in a way that does not disrupt business or make anyone feel uncomfortable. So when I see folks try to take advantage of a tragic situation by expressing their anger in a tangible way, that is simply unacceptable.”

Leaked: Chicago Tribune’s Cancel Culture Hit Piece Template

The petition demanded [list of demands, but make them sound scary]. These, at a time when [reason why change is scary] are insurmountable demands.