Chicago News


Tom Skilling Completes Summer Summoning Ritual

“Sorry I got kind of a late start this year,” said a perspiring Skilling, eyes blazing from the burning dimensional energies siphoned from the aether. “I’ve heard some blame climate change for the dreary Spring, but the climate doesn’t change until I say so. ”

Red Line Chosen as Future Chicago Casino Site

Some Red Line regulars like Larry Richards, 43, who has been running a Three-card Monte hustle for the past decade, were less in favor- “First legalizing weed, now this, the city just wants all small business owners like myself to go under.”

Source of West Loop Chocolate Smell Discovered to Be One Really Big Yankee Candle

The sweet aroma can be attributed to one really big Yankee candle, owned by Georgia Hozmin, 27, who lives in a nearby condo building.

Elves Released From Dinkel’s Bakery

“We thank the Dinkel family for all they’ve done for us,” said Prince Winkle-Krinkle, heir to the candy throne, “but now it time for us to return to Dinkland, a land of sugar and bright colors, where the water is as sweet as honey wine and the air smells of caramel. It is in what you call ‘Virginia.’”

Man’s Backpack Taking Up Entire Train Car

“There are elderly people and expectant mothers on this train who’d like to sit down, and many of them were crushed to death.”

Bus Driver Asking Everyone To Kick In A Buck For Gas

49 BUS — In an effort to minimize the impact of the escalating prices, the bus driver on the 49 bus pulled over on Western and Harrison and is asking everyone to throw in a dollar or two before she

Suspenseful: CTA Bus Driver Just Opened The Giant Plexiglass Door For Some Reason

While the feeling of dread amongst the group was palpable, they weren’t short on theories as to how they ended up here in the first place, or possible solutions to get them moving again.

Chicago Man Triggers Speed Camera by Thinking About Speeding

The new intelligent anti-speed system was implemented earlier this year after Lori Lightfoot declared that the previous 6 mph threshold wasn’t bringing in enough revenue for the city, reportedly saying that “[We’ve] got a casino to build and I promised the police chief I’d get them a nuke.”

Area Landlords Announce Plan to Just Paint Over It

“Before now we’ve only painted over things like water damage, electrical outlets, and holes in the wall,” said Lagassi. “But by 2023 our goal is to get all Chicagoland landlords to expand this to things like broken microwaves, insect infestations, and possibly even small fires.”

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