The election of a new Rat Pope follows a week of secret conclave in the basement vault of the Board of Trade building, which by ancient treaty operates as a sovereign city-state known as the “Rat Vatican,” or “Ratican.”

The new Bottle Nosed Beauties show will not only entertain our adult guests, but it will also teach them that dolphins, sea lions, and other marine mammals can be extremely sexy, as well as athletic.

"We happen to think Malort tastes like what we imagine Sonic the Hedgehog’s piss would taste like, which would be very good since he is the good guy in his video game. Malort is a natural addition to all of the other delicious foods and drinks you’ll find in the Whole30 pantry.”

Diamond In The Rough: There's A Copy Of Ratt's Debut 'Out Of The Cellar' (1984) At This Record Shop

No one appears to have made a move on this absolute steal, currently the only way to hear Ratt’s smash hit “Round and Round” in high fidelity analog sound. Gift horse? Meet mouth!

chicago

Lab Rat Announces Plan to Go Left, Right, Straight, Left, Left

For Bradley, 2 (in human years), this marks the third attempt at the maze since trials began.

chicago

City’s Oldest Rat Shares Her Tips For A Long Life

"At the end of the day, I always treat myself to one or two cigarette butts. Everything in moderation, that’s the key."

akira

"Probably Time For Therapy Then," Thinks Man Emotionally Overcome By Ending To 'Akira'

"I’m at the point in my life where I have to start asking myself if I want to be the guy who starts dry sobbing at the end of Akira or if I want to have my shit figured out by the time I’m 30.”

science & tech

Scientists Found the Last Remnant of Asteroid That Killed the Dinosaurs and Shot at It

“This is for the gentle Diplodocus you fuck,” whispered paleontologist Danny Rodriguez, 38, as he wiped tears from his eyes and emptied three consecutive magazines from an AK-47 into the lifeless piece of space metal.

chicago

Shedd Aquarium Offers $200 Meet the Belugas Experience, $300 Beluga Steak

If patrons meet the belugas and are unsatisfied with their squeaks, tricks, and general demeanor, they can, for an added $100, initiate the “Meat the Belugas” activity.