Although Chicago may be working through a few last cold spells on its way to summer, the season was already underway this weekend in Ravenswood as the first of Chicago’s ice cream trucks began culling the city’s child crop in the parking lot of Amundsen High School.

While the updated CDC guidelines would allow for the fully vaccinated to go outside maskless even in group settings so long as social distancing is followed, the new addendum would encourage vaccinated Americans to keep the same hollow eyes and pasted-on smile that’s allowed the monster they truly are to go unnoticed in polite company.

Chicago public health authorities responsible for organizing the city’s planned “vaccination pass” program have sold the project to the company responsible for the CTA Ventra system.

Lincoln Square Reticent To Install Lights At Welles Park, Citing Concerns About Little League Players' Ability To Hit Dingers On Command

“You know what’s going to fix this neighborhood and get us back on our feet?” DuPrix asked. “Watching a guy who’s 90% anabolic steroid by volume just crush homer after homer before trotting around the bases like a particularly surly Newfoundland.”

UN Solemnly Admits to Microchipping Vaccines in Order to Create the Digidestined

“We hope history will judge us kindly when the next generation of malware is decimated by a missile with teeth fired from the righteous ordnance mounted in MetalGreymon’s rippling pectoral muscles.”

Thompson Center for Sale Just in Time for Mothers’ Day

Kids looking to skip the traditional — and let’s be honest, underwhelming — flowers or candy or “getting to see her children” gifts they might have turned to in prior years can now place a bid on the Thompson Center through the Illinois Department of Central Management Services, first come, first served!

DePaul To Require Students Be Vaccinated, at Least Agree the Pope Seems Nice

The prestigious University, which hosts more than twenty thousand students annually, had previously this month said it would not require vaccinations, but changed its policy after remembering how gross college kids are.

A Study Revealed That 2/10ths of Chicagoans Can’t Reduce Fractions

The study was extensive. Of Chicago’s 2.71 million residents, 542,000 participated, or 18/360ths of the city’s population. Canvassers went door to door asking Chicagoans to reduce fractions and finish fraction related phrases, such as: ‘My favorite item at McDonald’s is the ___ pounder with cheese’.

Montrose Beach Sanctuary Expanded to Protect Nests Of Even Ugly Birds

“We’ve decided to open our hearts even to birds that have weird scraggly beaks or dust-colored feathers,” announced bird protector Andrew Mingus, 43, at a press conference Saturday. “We may hate and revile them, but I guess they deserve a spot on the beach too.” ​