Kroger Leaves Mariano’s in Cardboard Box Labeled “Free to a Good Home”
“As attached as we’ve become to Mariano’s, someone out there is going to be his forever-home.”
Leading Economist Recommends Priced Out Homebuyers Simply Move to Place That Sucks Ass
“Places with no art scene, places where there’s only one restaurant and it’s called ‘Ketchup on Bread,’ places where everything closes early because a deadly fog rolls in at dusk.”
Mitch McConnell Affirms He’s Against Term Limits While Wearing Dark Sunglasses, Being Propped Up By Aides
McConnell kept his arms affixed to his two aides and spoke in a trademark southern drawl, but never seemed to actually open his mouth.
Navy Pier Margaritaville Cut Adrift, Set Aflame in Viking Burial for Jimmy Buffett
Margaritavilles around the country were instructed to set them aflame in order to have his property follow him into Valhalla.
CTA Announces They've Smashed Their Goal of Running One Train and Bus a Day
After years of long wait times and skipped schedules, they’ve announced it’s once again hitting goals for service.
DJ Casper Memorialized With Dirge Tempo ‘Cha Cha Slide’
CHICAGO — This week saw the passing of Chicago born songwriter and performer William Perry Jr., better known as DJ Casper.
Study Suggests Traffic on the 606 Could Be 100% Dog by 2030
"There’s always been a lot of dog walkers, but we were disturbed to see a nearly 400% annual rise in dogs on the trail."
Stupid Dumb Idiot Pulls Bus Cord After Someone Already Did
Other passengers corroborated Bolland's story, saying they too had seen a stupid dumb idiot reaching for the cord, even though “Stop Requested” was visible on the bus’s display.
Fifth Third Bank Finally Reduces Name to 1.666666667 Bank
“We could’ve kept the sixes going honestly,” said Herman Ridgeman, 54, regional manager at the downtown Clark Street location. “But we didn’t want to show off. Also, we couldn't figure out the keyboard shortcut to type the 6 with that line at the top.”
Card Table Next to Dumpster Is Restaurant’s New Patio
“There is a lot of trash in there. You just won’t see us put it in there while you’re eating.”
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