For those who don’t eat pork, this is equivalent to about nine Vienna all-beef hot dogs.

"I was really starting to wonder if the escalator would ever come back to life, but here we are in mid-February and it’s already starting to bloom! Climate change is wild, man."

“I guess I’m glad they’re almost taking this pandemic thing seriously, but...I really suck at darts. My first two votes went into the wall and they said those ‘all count for Joe Biden’? I think I just voted for Joe Biden twice.” 

Nature Is Healing! The Mermen Have Returned To Lower Wacker

“FOR TOO LONG WE HAVE DREAMT,” hissed Ichthous Spumous XI, 567, the 7-foot tall King of the Mermen told The Chicago Genius Herald when reporters caught up with him as he patrolled the flooded River Walk. 

Man In Best Shape Of Life Desperate To Give It Up For Even A Whiff Of Sports

“Building a big-ass armchair with like twelve cupholders, a grill and a chamber pot. Once baseball’s back I’m never getting up or anything,” said Landis in a tweet accompanied by an animated gif of ALF playing a guitar. 

Six Flags Great America to Reopen for Only One Person at a Time

Until the park fully reopens, however; park management has informed the remaining 5% of staff that they will be performing 100% of the duties. 

To Encourage Social Distancing, CTA Encouraging Riders To Ride On Top

Customers will be instructed to board and exit through a small rope ladder on the side of the bus.

Mayor Lightfoot Infiltrates, Then Busts Record-Breaking 1000 Person Fuckfest

Several SWAT teams broke into The Grand Procession Of Sex and started subduing Carnivalgoers with mace, zip ties and handcuffs, much to their delight.

Chicagoan Struggling to Embrace Visible Roots After Two Months Without the Salon

“Benny takes a lot of pride in his hair,” said basketball enthusiast Michael Jordan, 57. “He gets it dyed twice a month. I think it looks awesome, and I hope his natural color isn’t gross.”