Chicago News


Time Traveler? Maskless Man Sitting Next to People on the Train Must Be From 2019

“It was like everyone knew,” said Carol, “the moment he got off everyone seemed to breathe easier. That guy was definitely on a mission to the future. Either that or he’s just some contrarian asshole who refuses to wear a mask on the train as some sort of half-assed protest daring people to say something. Unfortunately it’s impossible to tell which one is which, so I’m going to be safe and assume Terminator.”

Cubs To Require All Foul Balls Be Returned In Cost-Cutting Move

Wrigley Field ushers have become overzealous in pursuit of “ball thieves,” as the Cubs clubhouse puts it.

Lincoln Park Zoo Moves Forward With Redevelopment of Lion Enclosure Into Luxury Condos

A new pride of lions will indeed be moving in once the redevelopment is completed in September; the previous family of big cats, which had resided in the habitat for years, will be moving to another lower-rent zoo in Ohio.

Chicago Set to 50% Opacity

“I can kind of see you’re upset,” License told the semitransparent crowd, “but there’s no reason to worry. I’ll be changing it back on the next draft. It looks terrible over the background layer anyway.”

CTA Pride Train Pledges to Run Over at Least 2 Homophobes This Month

“Here at the CTA, we’re trying not to be like every other corporation co-opting the aesthetics of pride to hawk our services. This year, we’d like to use our actions to demonstrate our values. Actions like pancaking a few guys who suck here and there. I dunno, we’re trying it out!”

Not Taking The Bait: Everyone Is Pretty Much Ignoring This Guy Outside The Walgreens Who's Wearing A "Mr. Cool Ice Jr." Tanktop And Has A Lhasa Apso In A Babybjörn

Although no one is really able to intuit whether Mr. Ice Jr. is there representing some kind of movement or organization based on the vibes he’s giving off, pretty much everyone has unofficially agreed to not get caught up in his bullshit.

Chicagoans Urged to Eat 120 Sport Peppers Each to Support Struggling Hot Dog Stands

“Sixty hotdogs isn’t a lot to ask of our community,” said Pankodopolis, “many Chicagoans—in particular our population of thick-necked men with impossibly European-sounding last names—are already having dozens of dogs a month. We just need the rest of you to rise to the occasion.”

Mccormick Place to Install Whirling Blades, Auto-Turrets to Bring Up Bird Kill Numbers

"Frankly, a building of this size should be killing birds in the thousands, not hundreds. We’re hoping we can increase the center’s external weaponry—which is unfortunately currently at ‘none’—in an effort to get our numbers to ‘oil spill’ levels of bird murder.”

Chicago Reopens and Everything Is Just Fine, Don’t Think About It

Despite feeling relieved that the pandemic is technically sort-of over, many Chicagoans have reported feelings of dread not only about the past, but the future as well. Despite this, concerns over back rent coming due as eviction protections end, continued unemployment, and rising costs of basic consumer goods are all thoughts Chicagoans are encouraged to banish from their minds and go enjoy a fucking baseball game.

City Council Releases Updated Version of Aliotta Haynes Jeremiah’s “Lake Shore Drive” to Prove New Name Just as Catchy

Among opponents of the name change is Mayor Lori Lightfoot, who plans on voting against the measure, and has submitted a counter proposal to rename it “Lightfoot Drive,” and was trying to book some time at a local recording studio.