"Frankly, a building of this size should be killing birds in the thousands, not hundreds. We’re hoping we can increase the center’s external weaponry—which is unfortunately currently at ‘none’—in an effort to get our numbers to ‘oil spill’ levels of bird murder.”

Despite feeling relieved that the pandemic is technically sort-of over, many Chicagoans have reported feelings of dread not only about the past, but the future as well. Despite this, concerns over back rent coming due as eviction protections end, continued unemployment, and rising costs of basic consumer goods are all thoughts Chicagoans are encouraged to banish from their minds and go enjoy a fucking baseball game.

Among opponents of the name change is Mayor Lori Lightfoot, who plans on voting against the measure, and has submitted a counter proposal to rename it “Lightfoot Drive,” and was trying to book some time at a local recording studio.

Workers Returning to Office Discover Evidence of Long Lost Office Culture

“We’ve found the most fascinating findings on our first expedition,” said Fremont, “ergonomic chairs, staplers, land-line phones, the sorts of things forgotten by modern history. We’ve also uncovered ancient texts that defy explanation. For example, a yellow square of slightly sticky paper that said ‘email michael.’ Who was this ‘michael?’ So much knowledge, lost to time.”

Feral Cats Released by City to Combat Rats Deployed Like Paratroopers Over Alley

Cats at Work, the militant arm of the Tree House Humane Society of Chicago, selected and trained thousands of cats the shelter had deemed “unadoptable” by normal society and international law.

The Goddess And Grocer To Expand To West Loop This Summer Despite The Neighborhood's Well-Known History Of Apostasy

“We’re confident that even if a California Dreaming sandwich with turkey and avocado can’t fully fix the West Loop’s inherent godlessness, it can at least shave off some of the rough edges”

Mayor Lightfoot Declares Chicago Will Reopen for July 4th After Making Trip to Indiana to Buy Fireworks

“I can only confirm that the Mayor is ready for this city to get back to normal, and that her cookout this year is going to be, according to her, ‘lit.’”

Ice Cream Trucks Begin First Child Harvest of Season

Although Chicago may be working through a few last cold spells on its way to summer, the season was already underway this weekend in Ravenswood as the first of Chicago’s ice cream trucks began culling the city’s child crop in the parking lot of Amundsen High School.

CDC Says Vaccinated Americans Can Go Unmasked Outdoors, But Should Keep Metaphorical Masks On Lest The World See The Beast Within

While the updated CDC guidelines would allow for the fully vaccinated to go outside maskless even in group settings so long as social distancing is followed, the new addendum would encourage vaccinated Americans to keep the same hollow eyes and pasted-on smile that’s allowed the monster they truly are to go unnoticed in polite company.