"I loved going through the terrifying experience of being upside down in a slowly moving commuter train. It gave me the ‘pep’ I needed to get through a full day of penny trading. I guess I’ll need to go back to cocaine.”

“You gotta make sure everything is perfect when Ms. C comes to visit. You don’t want no problem.”

"I mean, look at Tarik 'Chicken Salad' Cohen. How is a 5’6” 179lb player supposed to maintain enough body fat to sleep in a cave for four months?”

Christmas Ghosts Not Optimistic About Third Consecutive Visit to Trump

"This isn’t a guy you can show a grave and he freaks out and changes his life. I showed him his grave TWICE and both times he said it was ‘fake.’"

Lightfoot Announces That Starting Jan. 1st You’ll Be Allowed to Smoke Weed at Nick’s House

Some residents on Twitter have called for explicitly looser regulations, citing the numerous places in Chicago where they should be able to “get lit,” “roast a frickin’ J,” and “smogke   a Beg asS bblont on te chrismas traiN [sic].”

Boyfriend Squishes Spider That Was Keeping Ecosystem from Collapsing

“We have a flip flop just for squishing bugs,” smirked Scott. “We live in a basement apartment so it gets a lot of use, but this was the first spider we've seen in a while, or really any kind of bugs. And come to think of it, that was a comparitively small spider.”

Record Low Numbers of Rosy-Cheeked Tots Pressed To Holiday Windows Amidst Retail Decline

Each year has seen at least 4% fewer flushed youngsters thronging with glee outside America’s toy boutiques and big-box stores.