Chicagoans who successfully perform “The Superbowl Shuffle” and receive their vaccines will also receive a card labeling them a “True Chicagoan” that can be used for discounts at local restaurants and to drive down Western Ave at any speed they feel like. 

“I was psyched when Danny texted me to hang,” said Branton. “I have a roommate, but I’ve been working from home since last March and I felt like I was getting pretty stir-crazy. I was a little wary when Danny said a couple of his friends would be joining us, but I was even more wary when I got there and they didn’t exist.”

The two friend groups, who have come to depend on Booker’s regular Zoom-sci-fi-B-movie nights and Italian apertivo / Mario Kart tournament nights respectively, began threatening legal action Thursday when the group known as “The Nat Pack” formally claimed Booker for their own.

Dozens Reported Missing As Dark Chicago’s Rufus Q. Wettehœm Menagerie Briefly Displaces Richard H. Dreihaus Museum In Prime Dimension

“I remember hearing a loud pop, a smell like ozone and a bright flash of light,” recalled Hughie Felton, 25, who witnessed the phenomenon, “and then all of a sudden instead of the Dreihaus there was just this...sludgy, dripping wet mansion in its place, which sounded like it was filled with the keening of a thousand beasts, none of which had any business being in this reality.”

Illinois Cash Bail to Be Replaced With Three Riddles, Escape From Maze

Failure to answer the riddles correctly or navigate the maze and escape will result in jail time and possible death for the accused, depending on how they dodge the traps.

Aldermen Slam Chicago Postmaster: “All Our Mail Is Made Of Provolone Now”

The problem appeared seemingly overnight. Where once Chicagoans might have encountered paper envelopes and cards in their mailboxes, now there is only provolone, stamped and addressed and piled in damp handfuls.

Guy Using the Word “Liminal” Has Probably Never Even Been Trapped in the Quartz Halls of Balthirexx the Mad

You know what’s really liminal? The ever-multiplying crystal mazes of the mad wizard Balthirexx, which he wove into the very heart of a perfect quartz gemstone for 900 years before going back to school to get an MBA and manage a Church’s Chicken on Stony Island Ave. 

Man Calls Dibs on Parking Spot with Car

"I’ve seen people put Christmas decorations in their dibs or even bookshelves, but never an actual car. That’s definitely a flashy way to call dibs!”


Jeni’s Splendid Ice Creams Proves Final Nail In The Coffin For Logan Square’s Cool Factor If You Somehow Missed Everything Else That’s Happened There For The Past 7 Years

“Logan Square is officially over,” declared Rory Cheritas, 26, who moved to Logan three years ago and has never known a version of the Milkwaukee Ave. drag that doesn’t include a Furious Spoon ramen shop, Emporium Beercade and multiple taprooms.