“However much we try to train them, at the end of the day they’re wild animals.”

“A lot of times, four or more packed trains will go by before I can get on one,” said Everson, beaming with pure glee. “The train is so popular every single day, and I feel lucky that I even have the opportunity to ride it.”

“We’re really looking for someone as silent as a blade of grass, as deadly as time itself, and skilled in object oriented programming. So far Nick is zero for three.”

Woman Breaking Up With Boyfriend At Belmont Stop Would Have Been Powerful Warrior-Priestess In Pre-Christian Society

Casual observers state that Omringo could not have looked more stunned if he’d been a Roman legionnaire staring at his own spilled intestines on what was supposed to be a routine patrol through Gallic territory in 57 BCE.

Chicago Considers Ban on Single Use Plastics, Replacing Them With One Communal Fork We Can All Use

"We wanted to go high shelf on this one and ended up buying the sterling silver fork that Elvis used before he died on the toilet. The people of Chicago demand quality.”

Man Pissing Self Outside 'L' Stop Proud He Knew What He Needed and Took the Steps to Get There

“I don’t always ask for what I need, when I need it,” Weber said, staring at his reflection in the self-generated puddle at his feet. “And that needs to change.”

Wonder Of Wonders! Martin Merchandise Has Returned To The Merchandise Mart—With Textiles In Tow!

Martin Merchandise, heir to the Merchandise Mart fortune, has returned to the city with his personal dirigible o’erflowing with textiles from far and wide.

Chicago Recreational Marijuana Shortage Traced to Paul

According to many industry insiders, Paul was spotted on the security camera footage of every single dispensary in the Chicagoland area, in some cases returning multiple times in various disguises in order to get past per-customer maximums.

Mitchell Trubisky Donates 40,000 Interceptions to Defenses in Need

"When you put good in the world you get good out. If I give out interceptions, maybe the universe will give me a kicker… or some pocket protection.”