Big-box retail giants Best Buy and Walmart are leading the charge in the effort to preserve Black Friday normalcy: both stores have already begun to offer virtual deals and have expanded their customer service availability to include “the really terrible early hours of the morning,” according to Best Buy’s website.

“What a pardon would mean to me…” mused Police Officer Jared Petrochi, 32. “Not a whole lot, actually. We’re pretty insulated from that kind of thing by the department. But hey, maybe the superintendent would appreciate it.”

Full of death traps, plunging falls and much more, Merchandise stressed that this adventure wasn’t all derring-do and heroics. “We had ourselves a couple of tight spots crawling through the abandoned Snarf’s Sandwiches in the bottom floor of the Groupon Ziggurat,” he said.

Shedd Penguins Added to Chicago Bears Defensive Roster Until Aquarium Reopens

“Their enclosure is being rented out for really specific sex parties while the aquarium is closed. We didn’t want the birds anywhere near what’s going on in those tanks right now.”

Man Prepares for Winter Shutdown By Squirreling Away Bottles of Liquor Around Apartment

LAKEVIEW — With more stay-at-home orders looming and Winter approaching, David Fowler, 26, has started squirreling away bottles of liquor around his two bedroom apartment in Lakeview in preparation

Cases up! Announces Fry Cook Sliding COVID-19 Surge Across Counter to Waitress

“Oh, we love it here,” said customer Sarah Katch, 32, enjoying a plate of viral eggs in a booth with her husband and friends. “Legally they have to serve us, and that’s super refreshing in a time like this.”

Bird™ Scooters Begin Annual Migration South

As we do every year, we’ll certainly miss their opaque pricing structure and dangerous interaction with bike lanes, but this natural phenomenon is absolutely majestic to watch.

Lincoln Park Hot Dog Restaurant Thrives Amid Pandemic, Is Not Drug Front

Genius Herald reporters were assured of as much during the visit, where they were greeted by some of Kalacik’s associates informing them that they “weren’t gonna find nothing” and “won’t have anything to report much longer.”