"Chicago boasts one of the largest collection of Monet pieces outside of Paris, and we feel it would be wrong not to extend this very special, very Chicago display until the early summer for any lover of art who isn’t planning on dropping dead due to the gross negligence of anyone operating any lever of power in the next five months.”

HUMBOLDT PARK  — While trying to find a place to park in the Humboldt Park neighborhood, Cindy Bertram, 31, a nanny, briefly had to consider whether a somewhat-shoveled, chair-filled parking spot w

“I was just trying to get some dinner,” said Kirkman, still huffing and puffing after running from the mob for several blocks, “and the guy at the door started screaming ‘A 26th person is trying to get in! Drive away the beast, lest we all get the plague!’ I just wanted some mostaccioli diavola. I can’t make it at home, I don’t own any pots!”

WASHINGTON D.C.

STREETERVILLE — In an effort to continue safety measures as restaurants slowly reopen to indoor dining, new limitations are reducing all menus to 25% capacity. 

“This was a tough decision,” said Greektown, 132. “Greektown is great, and pretty affordable as far as Chicago goes. But I’m ready for something new, and I feel like a nice new place in Wrigleyville, bustling with nightlife, offers me that.”

The mayor’s office remains adamant that top-tier bud will never find a home downtown during Mayor Lightfoot’s tenure.

“I just wanted to make enough money for a person to live on for several millennia, and then really kick back. With the help of everyone buying Echo Dots to have something to talk to during the pandemic, I’ve finally reached my goal, and I’m ready to finally start enjoying all this money I’ve made.”

Jacobs admits that while he hasn’t been to an actual store in over 6 months, the utility of having a car is simply too good to give up.

Other tier restrictions announced by the governor for Tier 1 include allowing you to go to the bar only if you have a bad time and the controversial “no kissing in the gym” rule.