In a shocking move that surprised investors and dirt-poor plebs alike, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announced yesterday that he’d be stepping down as CEO to begin the process of spending his extravagant wealth, currently estimated at $187 billion. While Bezos will remain on the board of Amazon, he’s so far remained steadfast in his plan to spend the next 1,830,000 years spending his accumulated wealth.
“Yeah, this was always the plan,” said Bezos in a rare public appearance, “I just wanted to make enough money for a person to live on for several millennia, and then really kick back. With the help of everyone buying Echo Dots to have something to talk to during the pandemic, I’ve finally reached my goal, and I’m ready to finally start enjoying all this money I’ve made.”
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Bezos, who started his company in a garage and made it the biggest online retailer in the world with only the sweat of his brow, the brows of thousands of other people who are less important, and a sizeable-but-not-legend-disrupting loan from his parents, made it clear that this was always his plan to eventually retire from the CEO position to enjoy a simpler life.
“I’ve worked hard,” said Bezos during his announcement that was also broadcast mandatorily to Amazon workers, who were nevertheless docked for pay for not maintaining their quotas, “and now it’s time for me to get around to spending all this money. After all, if I don’t spend it, what was it all for?”
Bezos’ fortune, which dwarfs most nations’ GDP, has long been criticized for being “more than anyone can spend in one lifetime,” but Bezos remains optimistic that he can accomplish the task in 1,830,000 or so years.
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“I was going to buy everyone I know and everyone they know and everyone in every city they live in a jet ski, but I own some stock in Ski-doo, so that’ll actually make me richer.” said Bezos, wistfully looking out a large window in one of his four hundred homes that’s actually a large set where people pretend they’re living in New York City, “but I figure every year I could somehow manage to get rid of a net 100K or so. Once I blow a billion or two into getting me a robot body, I’ll just need another couple hundred thousand years to really spend it all down. I mean, if I can’t spend all this money I made, what was the point?”
