Big-box retail giants Best Buy and Walmart are leading the charge in the effort to preserve Black Friday normalcy: both stores have already begun to offer virtual deals and have expanded their customer service availability to include “the really terrible early hours of the morning,” according to Best Buy’s website.

“What a pardon would mean to me…” mused Police Officer Jared Petrochi, 32. “Not a whole lot, actually. We’re pretty insulated from that kind of thing by the department. But hey, maybe the superintendent would appreciate it.”

Full of death traps, plunging falls and much more, Merchandise stressed that this adventure wasn’t all derring-do and heroics. “We had ourselves a couple of tight spots crawling through the abandoned Snarf’s Sandwiches in the bottom floor of the Groupon Ziggurat,” he said.

A Somber John Kass Has Asked to Be Excused From the Dinner Table Because He Thought About an Imaginary Leftist and Spoiled His Appetite

“I’m sorry,” Kass is reported to have mumbled after a full ten minutes of silence elapsed without responding to his wife’s question of whether he liked the casserole or not. “I have thought about a leftist whose politics don’t align with my own and no longer wish to eat. May I be excused?”

A Vain Prince Is Still Trapped Within The Lookingglass Theatre Looking Glass

Lookingglass Theatre has long been a repository for enchanted artifacts from many of the playhouses around town, from Michael Shannon’s Seven League Boots to David Schwimmer’s original face, but its enchanted Looking Glass remains one of the most potent—and dangerous. Despite this, it’s prominently placed next to the concession area within the lobby.

Lightfoot Set to Remove City's Outdated Lead Pipes, Revolvers, Candlesticks, Ropes, Daggers, and Wrenches

“I found lead pipes in my kitchen. And dining room. And lounge. It’s an epidemic.”

DraftKings Relaunches in Illinois With New Option to Directly Link to Your Kids’ College Fund

“With sports betting now on your phone, you can take gambling anywhere! On the toilet, in your home office, or out behind your recently re-mortgaged house where your spouse can’t find you.”

Scientists Warn That Warming Temperatures Put Chicago "Dangerously Close" To Ideal Conditions For ‘Predator 2’ Remake

We’re rapidly approaching what climatologists consider the "Predator 2 tipping point".

Chicagoans Can Get Free Flu Shots...But Should They? Yes

Chicagoans are wondering: should they get their flu shots? The answer to their question is yes.