"Frankly, a building of this size should be killing birds in the thousands, not hundreds. We’re hoping we can increase the center’s external weaponry—which is unfortunately currently at ‘none’—in an effort to get our numbers to ‘oil spill’ levels of bird murder.”
Despite feeling relieved that the pandemic is technically sort-of over, many Chicagoans have reported feelings of dread not only about the past, but the future as well. Despite this, concerns over back rent coming due as eviction protections end, continued unemployment, and rising costs of basic consumer goods are all thoughts Chicagoans are encouraged to banish from their minds and go enjoy a fucking baseball game.
City Council Releases Updated Version of Aliotta Haynes Jeremiah’s “Lake Shore Drive” to Prove New Name Just as Catchy
Among opponents of the name change is Mayor Lori Lightfoot, who plans on voting against the measure, and has submitted a counter proposal to rename it “Lightfoot Drive,” and was trying to book some time at a local recording studio.
Aon Tower Wins Award for Most Featureless Building in US
“We’ve never seen such an expression of the elusive concept of “nothingness” before,” added Jenn Wireframme, 37, fellow panel judge and art critic for Aesthetica magazine.
Foxtrot Employee Still Not Sure What Foxtrot Sells, Exactly
“We got chips and stuff too,” he added, shuffling around behind the counter. “That’s good, right? Except oh! This trail mix is like $8 a bag, probably not going to be buying that too often when you got the munchies haha. So maybe bodega’s not right.”
Kronos Gyros Has Just Announced They Are Going To Use Photos Of Construction Workers With Heart Disease In Their Ads Instead Of Beautiful Women Moving Forward
“So with the help of our statistics department, we’ve determined that 90% of all gyro meat ends up in the stomachs of construction workers with heart disease and feral cats, and feral cats aren’t known for being high liquidity buyers—yet. Hence, moving forward all Kronos Gyros advertising will feature a slightly pained-looking construction worker, inviting you to imagine that’s what you might look like after eating one of our gyros.”
Dan Ryan Eliminates Traffic Slowdowns By Permanently Installing “Toad’s Turnpike” Soundtrack
After installing the speakers overnight Wednesday, IDOT reported that drive times from the south suburbs at rush hour had already been reduced by half or more, thanks to every single driver constantly holding their foot all the way down on the accelerator and executing perfect drift turns through the Dan Ryan’s curves.
Good News We Hope! Cork Popped Off Of Carbide & Carbon Building
Built in 1929, the Carbide & Carbon Building has remained tightly corked for the past ninety years, with its gold leaf top staying tightly sealed through a myriad of Chicago victories, including the ‘63 opening of O’Hare and the 2016 World Series win. Why the building was popped now, however, remains shrouded in mystery.
CPD Prepares For Another Opportunity to Prove They’ve Learned Nothing, Don’t Care
“I just don’t get it,” said Sgt. Jerry Punisherlogo, 37, a ten year veteran of the CPD.