If only Chicago had listened to right-leaning news outlets that warned them Johnson would doom everyone.

“These birds’ migrations lead them from the Great Lakes to the shores of the Gulf of Mexico. Most are motivated by season or food sources, but some plovers, like Imani, just migrate for revenge.”

“For the city to acknowledge 4/20 by dyeing the river, I feel like it’ll harsh the vibe. Like, kids coming in from Wrigleyville to eat one edible. That’s amateur hour. You gotta live this lifestyle all year round in order to really understand this momentous day.” 

”We’re hoping to rebrand the issue and turn this problem into another idiosyncratic feature Chicagoans can be proud of, like dibs, political corruption, or sports teams that never win.”

Although the couple was first spotted together this Fall, it’s unknown when they initially crossed paths but sources say they first hooked up at the CTA’s holiday party. Their ups and downs have largely been public, typically occurring on Lake St., Wabash Ave., Van Buren St., and Wells St. 

Political experts and even complete laymen have theorized that Vallas liking several social media posts calling Chicago a “hell hole” and “the kind of city where idiots will vote for anyone” may have damaged his campaign and probably contributed to his brief stint in Chicago city limits.

“Insteada scowlin’ at us inside your cars, why don’t you lend a hand?” said Murphy Talarico, 57, an IDOT foreman on the project. “If everyone poured a little concrete or carried some rebar, we’d have this fuckin’ thing wrapped up real quick.”

“After internal discussions within our department and weighing the needs of our team and the citizens of Chicago, we decided ‘who needs all that shit?”

It’s this method of trickery that Wyatt studied as a student of bus driver school.

Instead of the pesky task of implementing traffic control and asking auto- owners not to Wordle and drive, the city went a more defensive route.