Fifth Third Bank Finally Reduces Name to 1.666666667 Bank

The Loop — In a long awaited move the major Midwestern consumer bank previously known as the Fifth Third Bank announced Monday that they’ve finally gotten around to resolving the “5/3” fraction in their name, officially rebranding as the 1.6 (repeating) Bank, simplified to 1.666666667 Bank.

“We could’ve kept the sixes going honestly,” said Herman Ridgeman, 54, regional manager at the downtown Clark Street location. “But we didn’t want to show off. Also, we finally figured out the keyboard shortcut to type the 6 with that line at the top.”


After reminding Ridgeman that it’s called a vinculum, he reminded us that it’s not his position to know that kind of stuff.

“Look, honestly this all got handed down to me by those chili-brained freaks at our headquarters in Cincinnati. All I do is open the branch every morning and then close it like 15 minutes before our actual posted closing time to drive customers insane, as per corporate mandate.”

Some have cheered on the name saying that the fraction has bothered them for a long time.


“I don’t know how it took them so long to solve that fraction,” said Michael Jonasse, 34, an irate customer standing outside the locked bank 10 minutes before it's supposed to close. “The Third and Fifth National Banks merged in 1908. I know this because I’ve been standing out here reading their Wikipedia looking for weaknesses. Please don’t print this. Please stop writing what I’m saying. Get BACK here!”

In a press release The 1.666666667 Bank assured its customers that, having finally figured out the fraction issue, they’ll now be able to devote more resources to their real passion of inventing new fees for customers.

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