WESTERN AVE — While approaching the North Ave bus stop, a passenger aboard a northbound CTA bus reached up to pull the signal cord. What this stupid dumb idiot didn’t realize was that another passenger had already pulled the cord and their secondary, pointless tug was just another example of what an absolute fucking moron they are.
“Once we crossed Le Moyne [St], I was ready to pull the cord,” said Marcus Bolland, 29. “I love to pull the cord, it reminds me of Woody from Toy Story. Like the bus is going to say ‘There’s a snake in ma boot!’ before it lets me off. So I pull, hear the ding, and I’m ready to go. Then I see this dumbass reaching for the cord again. I was thinking ‘Hey, asshole, I already pulled it! How stupid can you be?”
Other passengers corroborated Bolland's story, saying they too had seen a stupid dumb idiot reaching for the cord, even though “Stop Requested” was visible on the bus’s display. The culprit was described as seeming oblivious to the egregious fuck-up they were committing, though all present agreed that pulling the cord a second time is too stupid to forgive.
“Most civilians don’t know this,” said Carina Lowe, 42, a CTA bus driver who was behind the wheel of the route 49 bus when the dumbest fucker alive pulled the cord again, “but only the first pull is needed to request a stop. If anyone pulls the cord again, it lights up a little sign on my dashboard alerting me that someone on the bus is a stupid dumb idiot.”
“Legally, I’m allowed to pull the bus over and beat them with a wrench, but I’m trying to wrap my route up. Mama wants to watch her Love Island.”
The Chicago Genius Herald was able to catch up with the cord-pulling moron, who was surprised to find out they’d outed themselves as a dumb stupid idiot in public.
“I didn’t look up, ok? I realized we were close, so I pulled it,” said Steve Mulhany, a confirmed bus idiot who begged us not to print their name. “I swear I was just looking at my phone! I didn’t mean it, please believe me! Why do you have that gun? Does that say ‘FORGIVENESS’ on the barrel?”
“People need to realize,” said Lowe, “if you pull the cord again on the bus, everyone knows, and they hate you for it. So pay attention, stay alert. And if you fuck up, stand up, announce to the rest of the bus that you’re a stupid dumb idiot, exit the bus, and lay down in front of it.”