“F-35s don’t survive too well in the wild,” said LCpl James Anderson, 30, as he slipped a flier under the windshield wiper of a car parked outside the Bojangles just off base. “So the first few days are critical if we want to bring the little guy home.

“As attached as we’ve become to Mariano’s, someone out there is going to be his forever-home.”

“Places with no art scene, places where there’s only one restaurant and it’s called ‘Ketchup on Bread,’ places where everything closes early because a deadly fog rolls in at dusk.” 

McConnell kept his arms affixed to his two aides and spoke in a trademark southern drawl, but never seemed to actually open his mouth. 

Margaritavilles around the country were instructed to set them aflame in order to have his property follow him into Valhalla.

After years of long wait times and skipped schedules, they’ve announced it’s once again hitting goals for service.

CHICAGO — This week saw the passing of Chicago born songwriter and performer William Perry Jr., better known as DJ Casper.

"There’s always been a lot of dog walkers, but we were disturbed to see a nearly 400% annual rise in dogs on the trail."

Other passengers corroborated Bolland's story, saying they too had seen a stupid dumb idiot reaching for the cord, even though “Stop Requested” was visible on the bus’s display.

“We could’ve kept the sixes going honestly,” said Herman Ridgeman, 54, regional manager at the downtown Clark Street location. “But we didn’t want to show off. Also, we couldn't figure out the keyboard shortcut to type the 6 with that line at the top.”