“This mild winter has made you all soft,” bellowed Skilling, standing in front of his green screen, his eyes glowing green and therefore invisible to the loyal channel 9 viewers at home. “Let the Canada Goose jackets be taken from storage. Let the snow times come to pass!”

“As soon as I step onto the ice, I can take my mask off and breathe a sigh of relief. Just not too deep, as I seem to be getting a little bit of a cough.”

Lime Launches New Mask Sharing Service

The pilot program gives Chicagoans the option to rent any one of the 10,000 reusable face masks that Lime has left just sort of lying around the city.

Man Planning Post-COVID Reinvention Has It Narrowed Down to Aikido Guy, Banjo Guy or Selvedge Denim Guy

Leonas shared that early iterations of his post-COVID reinvention included becoming a Snake Guy, a Knife Guy or an “Aliens Are Real” Guy.

Family Video CEO Gives Thumbs Up As He Sinks Into Vat Of Molten DVD Cases

As news broke this week that Midwestern rental video chain Family Video is closing its doors after 42 years in business, many Chicagoans lamented the death of the last remainder of a bygone era of

Michael Jordan Statue Retiring from United Center to Spend Year Outside Baseball Stadium

NEAR WEST SIDE — The sculpture world turned on its head Thursday morning when the Michael Jordan statue inside the United Center announced that it will be retiring from its position to pursue its l

Real Life Avengers: The Toilet Fraud Guy Is Calling For Donald Trump To Be Impeached

J.B. Pritzker is basically the same as Tony Stark but if he loved Steve Miller Band and the Eagles, didn’t have a robotic exosuit and once ripped five toilets out of the second floor of a $3.2 million mansion he and his wife weren’t even living in so it could be technically classified as a vacant building he only needed to pay 10% of market value’s tax on.

Converted Apartments in Old Church Haunted By Ghost of Jesus

Recently, residents of the converted Second Church of Christ Scientist in Lincoln Park have begun to report sightings of a long haired specter dressed in white rags who keeps quoting Bible verses, which they claim is the ghost of Jesus Christ.