WRIGLEYVILLE – Neighbors in Lakeview were shocked upon waking up this morning to find their rowdy, sporty neighbors to the north were… nowhere to be seen. As of this morning, everything between the Brown and Redline Addison stops had been shuttered up, abandoned, and spray painted with rainbows in a last ditch attempt by the city of Chicago to pull off a unique pride statement.
“We went through a list of several things we could do to really make a city-wide impact for Pride season,” the City Director of Special Events Josephine Phyll, 43, let our reporters know. “But this one had unanimous support from the committee. The biggest thing impacting the lives of gay people in Chicago at this moment, is the power that Wrigleyville holds.” We asked Josephine if her team had anything to do with the atrocious attempt of representational pandering that is the CPD ‘Pride’ cars. She declined to comment.
“Wrigleyville is a perfect example of what can happen when straight people are given too much leeway, for too long,” Arlo Dates, 21, ranted. “Obviously everyone deserves a chance to feel included and celebrated… but enough is enough.”
During this month-long shut down, the historic Wrigley Field will be used for jewelry markets, tarot readings, and softball. While the city was hesitant to take this project a step further, some committee members advocated for a longer term strategy against the horrors of Wrigleyville by just “moving Boystown west a few blocks.”
While some businesses, like Sluggers, were happy to take a month off from supplying fraternity alums with enough Miller Lite to sink a small ship, others were less willing to close up shop to honor Pride month. “You guys know that like, gay jocks exist right?” Graham Park, 32, scoffed when asked why his sports bar Big Jugz was hesitant to shut down for the month of June. “You’re kind of being homophobic against yourself by assuming that every type of queer identifying person is into the same stuff. If gays didn’t like baseball, why else would the pants be that tight?”