Chicago Announces Plans to Somehow Turn Eclipse Into a Drinking Holiday

CHICAGO — In a hard-drinking city like Chicago, every holiday inspires its residents to drink like the alcohol is about to expire. As the solar eclipse passes over the country, Chicagoans have announced plans to somehow make the rare astronomical event into an excuse to get really, really drunk. 

“St. Patrick’s Day was soooooo long ago! What are we supposed to do, wait until the Fourth of July to drink irresponsible amounts under the guise of social celebration?” Local drinker, Billy Flatterny, 23, wisely posed to our reporters. “If the sun’s blacking out, so am I!”


To commemorate the solar eclipse, Chicagoans have planned to start drinking early so they can head to bars and hastily-thrown-together theme parties. At least one permit for a parade was submitted to the city’s Department of Cultural Affairs and Special Events, but was abandoned after the planners were unable to secure Bonnie Tyler to perform “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”

“I’m always impressed by this city’s ability to make whatever is happening into a reason to get drunk.” said Mark Poe, 51, head of DCASE. “I’d say it was kind of worrying, but it seems to keep people motivated and it’s a surprisingly large part of our economy. Like 73%.”

One company is profiting off of the ability our city’s residents have to drink heavily on any day when something is happening by manufacturing limited edition Eclipse Glasses and Beer Helmet Combos. “They’ve been selling like hotcakes,” chief marketer of Silly Drinking Memorabilia at Obvious Shirts, Tara Reveles, 43, disclosed to our team. “One of my favorite things about this city is that most inhabitants aren’t afraid to look stupid.”


But a drinking holiday isn’t just about getting blotto on a weekday, it’s also about the camaraderie that can come from a drinking game. Based on a survey, here are some Chicagoans have invented.

 1. Chug for as long as the moon is in front of the sun 

That’s it. They only came up with one. There’s a reason we’re called the City of Big Shoulders, not the City of Big Ideas.


Revelers planning on partying during the eclipse have expressed disappointment that the eclipse is a rarely occurring event, and not a new annual drinking holiday, but some stated that this was probably for the best, considering how hard they were planning to party.

“Thank god the eclipse is only 94% visible in the city,” said Flatterny, “if it was the full 100% I’d finally have to get that new liver.” 

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