SPRINGFIELD — Last week Gov. JB Pritzker signed a new law into effect that would ban small, single use plastic bottles from hotels in Illinois. This bill, called the Small Plastic Bottle Act, was ratified by the Governor after he reportedly accidentally swallowed one of these small personal-care items during his hotel stay in Chicago for the DNC.
“I was getting ready for dinner in my room and I saw all those tiny little bottles of shampoo and body wash,” said Gov. Pritzker to journalists during the signing of the Act. “and I thought to myself ‘what a waste that these get thrown out after each stay.’ Then I thought ‘I bet I could fit a couple of these in my mouth, they’re so small!’”
Advertisement:
According to the Governor, the idea to ban the bottles came about soon after he tried to fit several into his mouth. The Governor says he was very certain he could fit a shampoo, conditioner, and body wash in his mouth, but was discouraged to also try the lotion by Mary Katherine Muenster, his wife.
“I came out of the bathroom,” the Governor continued, “and I told MK to ‘check out how many tiny plastic bottles I could fit in my mouth’ and she said ‘don’t do that, JB, you’re just going to end up swallowing one,’ and I said that wasn’t going to happen.”
“Sadly, this was not a campaign promise I was able to keep.”
Advertisement:
Sources close to the Governor’s Office say that Pritzker accidentally swallowed a tiny shampoo bottle containing 50ml of verbena-scented shampoo with damage-repairing vitamin E. The bottle reportedly caused the Governor gastric distress, and throughout the night he was seen burping up bubbles and occasionally stopping mid-sentence to grab his stomach and say “oooooooowww-owie-owie-owwwww my tumble!”
“Whatever the reason, this is a positive for Illinois,” said Lousie Potter, 39, an environmental advocate who’s been petitioning the Governor’s Office for more bans on single-use plastics. “I wish it had come from me presenting facts and data to the Governor rather than some kind of weird freak accident that made him scared of tiny bottles, but we’ll take the win.”
“I’m not afraid of tiny bottles,” assured Governor Pritzker at a press conference announcing the ban. “I just want Illinois to be known as a national leader in the fight against pollution and things that are so small that they can be easily swallowed by curious mouths.”
Advertisement:
When asked if the Governor would be going through any medical procedures to remove the bottle he swallowed, the office said that they were just going to leave it in him, saying that the small amount of plastic was akin to the amount of microplastics found in a standard tuna steak.
