Although Chicago may be working through a few last cold spells on its way to summer, the season was already underway this weekend in Ravenswood as the first of Chicago’s ice cream trucks began culling the city’s child crop in the parking lot of Amundsen High School.

While the updated CDC guidelines would allow for the fully vaccinated to go outside maskless even in group settings so long as social distancing is followed, the new addendum would encourage vaccinated Americans to keep the same hollow eyes and pasted-on smile that’s allowed the monster they truly are to go unnoticed in polite company.

Chicago public health authorities responsible for organizing the city’s planned “vaccination pass” program have sold the project to the company responsible for the CTA Ventra system.

How to Fight Your Online Addiction by Posting About it Online!

Online addiction is a serious issue that people around the world face, especially in this shutdown year where everyone was locked inside their house with nothing else to do. In this same year, many of us learned about the dangers of the internet, so people want to wean themselves off of it. The first step to doing that, of course, is to post about it online. Here is a helpful guide to fighting your online addiction by posting about it online.

Former Chicago Resident Building Entire Center On South Side Just To Remind People He Lived Here

According to locals in the Jackson Park area, Barack Obama, 59, a failed community organizer and autofiction book author who hasn’t lived in Chicago or even Illinois since 2005, is throwing some serious cash around to build the Barack Obama Presidential Center near the University of Chicago campus.

Dog Starting to Worry Body Won’t Be Montrose Dog Beach Ready By Summer

"I’m just so cute, it’s pretty hard for me not to get a treat, you know? Now I look like a fucking hair-covered blimp!"

Wrigley Field Rapidly Culling Bumper Crop From This Season’s Baseball Vine

“They’re popping out along the vine left and right, fully stitched!” exclaimed Cubs Head Gardener Felix Begonia, 75. “We’ve never had a season with this much baseball fruit. If we were fully operational, this would be a gift. We’d be handing out grilled baseballs to the fans, selling them oven-ready at the farmers’ market!”

Foster Beach Finally Adopted

“Especially with older beaches, those don’t tend to get a lot of love. People come in asking for the shiny new beach, leaving older ones like this one here unnoticed. But there was a happy ending today, and we’re here to celebrate that.”

Aon Tower Wins Award for Most Featureless Building in US

“We’ve never seen such an expression of the elusive concept of “nothingness” before,” added Jenn Wireframme, 37, fellow panel judge and art critic for Aesthetica magazine.