Big-box retail giants Best Buy and Walmart are leading the charge in the effort to preserve Black Friday normalcy: both stores have already begun to offer virtual deals and have expanded their customer service availability to include “the really terrible early hours of the morning,” according to Best Buy’s website.

“What a pardon would mean to me…” mused Police Officer Jared Petrochi, 32. “Not a whole lot, actually. We’re pretty insulated from that kind of thing by the department. But hey, maybe the superintendent would appreciate it.”

Full of death traps, plunging falls and much more, Merchandise stressed that this adventure wasn’t all derring-do and heroics. “We had ourselves a couple of tight spots crawling through the abandoned Snarf’s Sandwiches in the bottom floor of the Groupon Ziggurat,” he said.

Mayor’s Office: “What Chicago Lacks in Protected Bike Lanes, It More Than Makes up for in Ground-up Mixtures of Cyclist Flesh, Asphalt and Twisted Metal”

THE LOOP — Despite reports that Chicago lags well behind other cities in the nation when it comes to protected bike lanes, the Mayor’s Office has resisted this characterization by citing Chicago’s

2020 Christkindlmarket Mugs Dumped Into Lake Michigan to Create Artificial but Festive Reef

LAKE MICHIGAN — With this year’s Christkindlmarkets canceled due to the COVID-19 pandemic, organizers have made the decision to dump the entire supply of 2020 gluhwein mugs into Lake Michigan to cr

Not Again: Clumsy Cows to Blame for Jack-O’-Lantern Vandalism in Chicago Area

BRIDGEPORT— Just when Chicago thought it was free of its bovine menace, the careless cattle have struck again.

After Aides Infected, Mike Pence Institutes Inquisition Among Staff

The Vice President has reportedly leveraged his role as the chief of President Trump’s coronavirus task force to establish a “Holy Inquisition to Root Out The Causes of Pestilence” among his staffers.

Official Wishes Pilsen Residents Could Be More Civil About Critiquing City Plans to Displace, Destroy Local Communities

City officials responsible for the plan pushed back against the push-back, calling it “mean.”

Elderman Easily Bests Aldermen In City Age-Off

“I’m older than all of you,” said the Elderman.