“I’ve heard the voices of our citizens in the streets, and while I cannot defund the police, I can re-fun the police!” 

Reportedly she’s insisting other justices now refer to her as “General RBGrevious”. 

“Everyone complains all the time about schools being underfunded,” Catamaran said. “You know what department has never been underfunded? The freakin’ police! If you surrender your schools to us, I guarantee we’ll have a tank in every school parking lot by 2021.”

Stephanie Izard Opens New Restaurant Named 'Leftover Goat'

“Stephanie has done it again. I mean, two dollars for soupless Xiao Long Bao? Incredible.”

Retirement-Age Cop Worried About How Many Tanks, Berettas He’ll Realistically Be Able to Afford on $62,000-A-Year Pension

"I’m prepared to make some sacrifices. Like the grenade launcher. I’m prepared to only buy one, instead of the three I’d like to really splurge on."

Six Dead After Brutal Lou Malnati's and Giordano's Feud Reignites

Two households, both alike in dignity,
In fair Chicago, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny, 
Where secret sauce makes personal pans unclean.

Lightfoot Urges Caution on 4th of July to Crowd Actively Lighting Fireworks

“I can’t stress this enough, people. You just need to not get insane, lit, faded, goofed up, destroyed, wrecked, blended, wasted, or drunk all weekend,” the Mayor said, nearly inaudible over the din of firecrackers, poppers, and an increasingly loud chant for the Mayor to do a kegstand.

Starbucks Now Offering No Touch Nitro Coffee Spray

“Of course much of our product inspiration comes from nature,” said Starbucks lead product designer Cesar Van de Camp, 45 “And in this case I was deeply influenced by how they hose down elephants at the zoo.”

Scientists Shrink Dr. Fauci Down to Microscopic Size to Combat Virus

“We would’ve loved to have literally any kind holistic national response handed down from the White House, but unfortunately without any executive leadership this is the only option available to us.’'