NASCAR Race Planners Say Chicago Commuters Can Join Race if They Really Need to Get Somewhere
Commuters, public transportation and emergency vehicles have all been given the go-ahead to join the race if they’re trying to get somewhere, but have been warned they will not be allowed to win unless they drive the full race.
City Honors Pride Month by Shutting Down Wrigleyville
“Wrigleyville is a perfect example of what can happen when straight people are given too much leeway, for too long,” Arlo Dates, 21, ranted. “Obviously everyone deserves a chance to feel included and celebrated… but enough is enough.”
Fledgling Pigeon Eating Garbage Really Getting a Hang of This Pigeon Thing
Onlookers estimate the pigeon must have been no more than two months old, but said it was eating trash off the ground in the alley like a bird who’d been doing it for years.
Chicago’s New City Council Gayest in Nation, Says Middle School Bully
Aiden—a 7th grader at Christopher Columbus Middle School who was held back in 6th grade and now lashes out at anyone he perceives as smart or different—has long plagued Chicago city council members.
Logan Square Attempts to Top Last Years “Horny” Farmers Market by Rebranding as “Sex Central”
Patrons Who Sat Though ‘Beau Is Afraid’ on Music Box Theater Seats Eligible for Chiropractic Compensation
"Look, this theater was built in 1929. Back when people would be happy to get pierced in the butt by rusty springs if it meant they could see a moving picture on the screen. You have to see this in perspective."
Chicago Smoldering Crater One Day After Johnson Inauguration
If only Chicago had listened to right-leaning news outlets that warned them Johnson would doom everyone.
Piping Plover Imani Returns to Montrose Beach to Avenge Father
“These birds’ migrations lead them from the Great Lakes to the shores of the Gulf of Mexico. Most are motivated by season or food sources, but some plovers, like Imani, just migrate for revenge.”
To Honor 4/20, City Tie-Dyes River
“For the city to acknowledge 4/20 by dyeing the river, I feel like it’ll harsh the vibe. Like, kids coming in from Wrigleyville to eat one edible. That’s amateur hour. You gotta live this lifestyle all year round in order to really understand this momentous day.”
Chicago Rebrands Potholes as “Deep Dish Street”
”We’re hoping to rebrand the issue and turn this problem into another idiosyncratic feature Chicagoans can be proud of, like dibs, political corruption, or sports teams that never win.”