"I loved going through the terrifying experience of being upside down in a slowly moving commuter train. It gave me the ‘pep’ I needed to get through a full day of penny trading. I guess I’ll need to go back to cocaine.”

“You gotta make sure everything is perfect when Ms. C comes to visit. You don’t want no problem.”

"I mean, look at Tarik 'Chicken Salad' Cohen. How is a 5’6” 179lb player supposed to maintain enough body fat to sleep in a cave for four months?”

What The Hell? Teacher Calls Attendance in Reverse Alphabetical Order

“You just have to laugh,” snapped Aaron Addison, 10. “Because apparently the rules are a joke to her. She’s not Ms. Frizzle. She’s not.”

City Introduces New Gladiator Battle Program for Dispensary Licenses

Quite a few hopeful applicants arrived at city hall in the hours after the press conference, aiming to be among the first to chisel their names into the Arena Entrant tablet.

Scientists Reveal Skinks Developed Blue Tongues To Eat Sour Patch Kids After Brushing Their Teeth Without Mom Finding Out

The implications this finding has on the greater herpetological community are staggering, and Stiletto understands the import of his team’s progress. “Some people aren’t going to want to believe this. I count many dear friends in the “they all licked the same Sharpie” camp.

People Who Call It "Charbucks" Beginning To Suspect They Might Be Losing Culture War

"I guess we just kind of assumed if we continued to draw attention to the fact that Starbucks coffee—let’s be frank here—tastes burnt by saying that we called it ‘Charbucks,’ people would eventually develop better taste,” said Louisa Heck, 38, an assistant curator of paintings of blobby baby Jesus for the Art Institute of Chicago."