“However much we try to train them, at the end of the day they’re wild animals.”

“A lot of times, four or more packed trains will go by before I can get on one,” said Everson, beaming with pure glee. “The train is so popular every single day, and I feel lucky that I even have the opportunity to ride it.”

“We’re really looking for someone as silent as a blade of grass, as deadly as time itself, and skilled in object oriented programming. So far Nick is zero for three.”

Tide Pod Worried Next Kill Won’t Provide Same Release

“Leading up to it, I was a razor wire of emotion, meticulous in every detail, and then after—a kind of ecstasy I’d never known before.”

Metra Quiet Car Converting to Screaming Car Effective January 1st

Workers can scream about any topic they wish once aboard the screaming car, including politics, healthcare premiums, environmental collapse, stagnant wages, gentrification, or simply shriek endlessly into the void until arriving at their destination.

Christmas Miracle! Guy Hit By The Christmas Bus Going to Be Fine

The whole thing played out exactly like the holiday classic “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” only instead of a sweet old granny being bowled over by one of Santa’s enthusiastic pets, it was a man being fully run over by a bus.

No Way Coworker’s White Elephant Gift Under $10 Spending Limit

The gift, an Oster brand electric wine opener, set off a wave of reactions throughout the office party, ranging from “boiling rage” to “so mad your stomach hurts and your vision gets blurry.”

Historic Indie Theater Dedicated to Showcasing Auteur Cinema up to One Times a Week

“They’ve got until 3 AM, then the sprinklers come on,” said Antonopoulos. “I’ll have to be up early to take it off the marquee the next morning.” 

Christmas Ghosts Not Optimistic About Third Consecutive Visit to Trump

"This isn’t a guy you can show a grave and he freaks out and changes his life. I showed him his grave TWICE and both times he said it was ‘fake.’"