“With sports betting now on your phone, you can take gambling anywhere! On the toilet, in your home office, or out behind your recently re-mortgaged house where your spouse can’t find you.”

We’re rapidly approaching what climatologists consider the "Predator 2 tipping point".

Chicagoans are wondering: should they get their flu shots? The answer to their question is yes. 

Coffee Shop Replaces Entire Menu With Oat Milk

LINCOLN PARK — In a world that seems to gain more lactose or dairy avoiders by the day, the options for non-dairy milk substitutes are rapidly expanding.

Mayor Lightfoot Lowers Bridges Into River

“No one said how low they wanted the bridges, just that they wanted them lower,” said Mayor Lightfoot. “It’s not my problem if you all ‘monkey pawed’ yourselves.”

"I Guess I'll Go Fuck Myself Then," Announces Woman Carrying Duffel Filled With Loose Blades Upon Seeing "Enjoy The Parks Safely" Sign

“Oh that’s just great,” Jenorma, a schoolteacher at a local Montessori school, was heard yelling as she dumped the contents of her duffel on the grass, revealing everything from a Wootz Steel talwar, fearsome Japanese tachi and even a humble KA-BAR combat knife. “Well, I guess I’ll go fuck myself then since apparently that’s what the parks department wants me to do!”

Suburbs Mourn Part of Chicago That Felt Like Suburbs

“The Nordstrom on Mag Mile was my Chicago ‘happy place,’” said Danelle Harris, 60, retired, from Mount Prospect, IL. “When I start feeling out of place in the big city at least I could go in and condescend to an hourly employee about something obviously outside their control. You can’t find that experience elsewhere in the city. Or at least I’ve never looked.”

CPS Announces Remote Learning Plan: Every Child Gets One Zoobook

“Kids love learning about animals, and soon they’ll each receive a single issue of the popular Zoobook series so they can learn about one kind of animal each. Maybe it’ll be Big Cats, or Eagles, or Sharks.” 

Pritzker To Trick COVID Into Thinking Illinois Uninhabited By Removing All State's Toilets

"If it can lower property taxes, it can lower our infection rate.”