Chicago News

CDC Warns Against Deadly “Derek Variant” as Cuffing Season Approaches

“This new one’s just a guy,” explained Grimsby, “but that doesn’t mean we can let our guard down. All modern vaccines have 0% efficacy against the Derek Variant, and getting a cat or new hobby is only 17% effective.”

Music Box Staff Frantically Rehearsing Choreography After Misplacing “White Christmas”

When the theater staff was unable to locate the film for the showing this weekend, staff scrambled to avoid disappointing moviegoers, landing on an unusual solution: current reports indicate that employees are attempting to rehearse and stage the famous musical — live — in the days preceding the planned event.

The CTA Holiday Train is Back, and This Year’s Theme is Presidents Day

This year's train will not only feature a spectacular light display, but also quiet reverence for the men who have served this nation as commander in chief. The train will travel all the CTA train lines from now until the week of Christmas, which has been the theme for the last several years.

Omicron Variant’s Friends and Family Keep Warning It About the Crime and Cold Weather Before Spreading to Chicago

“It’s cheaper than New York, has excellent food, and I look forward to finishing off what’s left of the improv scene. I’ll just buy a big coat, it’s not that bad.”

Oh No: The New Chicago Ward Map Is Out, and One of the Wards Is Dick-Shaped

City Clerk Anna M. Valencia said "We’re disappointed that somebody has penetrated this sacred, untarnished, trustworthy, respectable, clean, honorable, working process and made it a childish joke."

Bean Returns Home To Giant’s Castle In Sky For Thanksgiving

After packing its bags and scheduling the requisite PTO, the Bean is returning home to its native castle in the sky for the Thanksgiving holiday.

Horrifying: The Train Is Standing for Signal Clearance

“I didn’t think the announcement ‘standing for signal clearance’ was a literal thing,” said onlooker Ricky Martin (no relation), 55. “I figured it was code for waiting for the driver to sober up or something. But nope, there it was, standing up on two beautiful gams.”

Construction Halted on Belmont Flyover as Crews Struggle to Find Allen Wrench They Dropped

The allen wrench, a short length of bent metal with a 3mm hexagonal shaping on the end, is a popular tool in the construction of modern furniture and public works projects. A study conducted in 2015 by the Department of the Interior found that nearly two thirds of public works projects fail because someone was fooling around or being a space case and lost the allen wrench that came with the construction materials.

Construction on Lincoln Nominated for Landmark Status

“It was going to be in our lives for what felt like forever, right? We’re just putting a stamp on that feeling and making it permanent. You’re welcome, Chicago!”

After Giant Carp Caught in Humboldt Park Lagoon, City Performs Emergency Airlift to Return Chance the Snapper

“He was calm and cool the whole flight,” said Capt. Deborah Graves, 38, a military pilot who served eight distinguished tours in Iraq and Nova Scotia. “I’ve seen that face on soldiers before. That man is ready to kill some big ass fish.”