For those who don’t eat pork, this is equivalent to about nine Vienna all-beef hot dogs.

"I was really starting to wonder if the escalator would ever come back to life, but here we are in mid-February and it’s already starting to bloom! Climate change is wild, man."

“I guess I’m glad they’re almost taking this pandemic thing seriously, but...I really suck at darts. My first two votes went into the wall and they said those ‘all count for Joe Biden’? I think I just voted for Joe Biden twice.” 

Divvy Bikes Going Feral

“The first bike that breaks away from the station, that’s the Alpha Bike,” Bratt explains. “The Alpha will then free the others in that station and form a peloton. From that point on, they’re on the hunt for just one thing: fresh blood.” 

Chicago Considers Tapping Into Strategic Pork Reserves Beneath City

The Meat Council, which traditionally exists to ensure everyone in Chicago knows that meat is delicious and what condiments are acceptable, can in times of crisis access the estimated thirty thousand tons of meat products held in vaults, caves and piles under the city.

Environmental Crisis: Trash Threatens to Overtake Last Zoomable Area in Apartment

Towers of empty Old Style cans loomed over the coffee table and a Great Kitchen Garbage Patch of delivery containers marred the once-beautiful views from Sealy’s MacBook camera.

The Next Hannibal Lecter? This Woman’s Heartbeat Stayed at a Cool 85 BPM While Shopping at Trader Joe’s

When asked by an employee if she needed help finding anything, Masters shook her head. “Just looking,” she replied, chillingly. 

On Top Of Everything Else, WiFi Being Weird

“If I can’t open Twitter and have the videos begin to play instantaneously, how am I supposed to feed my mind?”