Chicago News


Soldier Field to Be Made Into Mattress Firm if Bears Move to Arlington Heights

“Tickets to Bears games start at around $90. Admission to Mattress Firm will be free, and I’m offering 10% off all Sealy and Serta mattresses on game days.”

Lincoln Park Woman Bravely Admits She Doesn’t Like Poodle Mixes

“What does the ‘D’ in doodle even stand for,” she shouted/queried as we ran away. “Dog?”

Gas Prices Soar, Yet Still The Bean Thirsts

“You are familiar with the water cycle, no? This is very much similar,” said Delorian. “Think of digestive system also. Bean creates gas, yes? Therefore gas creates Bean.”

Running of the Chicago Bulls Returns to Spain After Two Years

“The people of Pamplona cherish the tradition of running with the Chicago Bulls,” said Will Bryen, 56, the Chicago Bulls international liaison, “and after two years away, the Bulls are excited too. They’re ready to get out there, chase some Spaniards around, and have a good time.”

Blue Line Rider, Driver on I90 Lock Eyes, Wish for Each Other’s Lives

Making eye contact while their respective modes of transportation traveled briefly at the same speed, both women found themselves wishing for each other’s lives. 

As Pride Month Ends, City Bids Farewell to Gay Chicagoans

“You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here,” says an exhausted, overglittered, allied-out city. 

Chicago Trans Woman Holds Kink-Positive, Cop-Free Pride Festival in Bathroom Stall With Girlfriend

“We needed to create a space where queer people could feel loved without worrying about corporations hijacking their identities or fascists policing their bodies. We also needed a space where I could get some bomb head.”

Local Gay Man Disappointed by Shedd Otter Encounter

Fortunately, Spalding is on the rebound. Genius Herald reporters last spotted the Rogers Park resident enthusiastically purchasing tickets for a meet-and-greet with the Chicago Bears.

Republican Wakes up From Terrible Nightmare That Chicago Was Hiding Under Bed

“I could hear its rap music and its lax drug laws scraping the bed frame and I tried to call out ‘look how banning guns is working in Chicago!’, but it started quoting figures about guns entering the city through out-of-state channels and I was so scared!”

Wicker Park Woman on Date With Man From Lakeview Unsure if She’s Ready for Long Distance Relationship

Rowland, who met Vanessa at a cookout in Wicker Park, assumed he was also a resident of the same area. She discovered the truth only after he suggested several dining options east of Sheffield Ave. 

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