Chicago News

Workers Returning to Office Discover Evidence of Long Lost Office Culture

“We’ve found the most fascinating findings on our first expedition,” said Fremont, “ergonomic chairs, staplers, land-line phones, the sorts of things forgotten by modern history. We’ve also uncovered ancient texts that defy explanation. For example, a yellow square of slightly sticky paper that said ‘email michael.’ Who was this ‘michael?’ So much knowledge, lost to time.”

Feral Cats Released by City to Combat Rats Deployed Like Paratroopers Over Alley

Cats at Work, the militant arm of the Tree House Humane Society of Chicago, selected and trained thousands of cats the shelter had deemed “unadoptable” by normal society and international law.

The Goddess And Grocer To Expand To West Loop This Summer Despite The Neighborhood's Well-Known History Of Apostasy

“We’re confident that even if a California Dreaming sandwich with turkey and avocado can’t fully fix the West Loop’s inherent godlessness, it can at least shave off some of the rough edges”

Mayor Lightfoot Declares Chicago Will Reopen for July 4th After Making Trip to Indiana to Buy Fireworks

“I can only confirm that the Mayor is ready for this city to get back to normal, and that her cookout this year is going to be, according to her, ‘lit.’”

Ice Cream Trucks Begin First Child Harvest of Season

Although Chicago may be working through a few last cold spells on its way to summer, the season was already underway this weekend in Ravenswood as the first of Chicago’s ice cream trucks began culling the city’s child crop in the parking lot of Amundsen High School.

CDC Says Vaccinated Americans Can Go Unmasked Outdoors, But Should Keep Metaphorical Masks On Lest The World See The Beast Within

While the updated CDC guidelines would allow for the fully vaccinated to go outside maskless even in group settings so long as social distancing is followed, the new addendum would encourage vaccinated Americans to keep the same hollow eyes and pasted-on smile that’s allowed the monster they truly are to go unnoticed in polite company.

Chicago “Vax Pass” Sold to Ventra

Chicago public health authorities responsible for organizing the city’s planned “vaccination pass” program have sold the project to the company responsible for the CTA Ventra system.

Lincoln Square Reticent To Install Lights At Welles Park, Citing Concerns About Little League Players' Ability To Hit Dingers On Command

“You know what’s going to fix this neighborhood and get us back on our feet?” DuPrix asked. “Watching a guy who’s 90% anabolic steroid by volume just crush homer after homer before trotting around the bases like a particularly surly Newfoundland.”

UN Solemnly Admits to Microchipping Vaccines in Order to Create the Digidestined

“We hope history will judge us kindly when the next generation of malware is decimated by a missile with teeth fired from the righteous ordnance mounted in MetalGreymon’s rippling pectoral muscles.”

Thompson Center for Sale Just in Time for Mothers’ Day

Kids looking to skip the traditional — and let’s be honest, underwhelming — flowers or candy or “getting to see her children” gifts they might have turned to in prior years can now place a bid on the Thompson Center through the Illinois Department of Central Management Services, first come, first served!