BREAKING: Trump Indicted or Fined or There Was a Court Case or Something, We’re Kind of Checked Out

MANHATTAN DISTRICT COURT? GEORGIA? USA? — Breaking News, we were told we had to write something up real quick about Donald Trump’s most recent court case or indictment or something. This shit’s been happening pretty much non-stop and honestly we’re pretty zoned out though. 

Initial findings reveal that it probably involves something about the ninety-one charges he’s facing across four separate trials or whatever.


It’s possible he lost or won, or maybe the judge was like “you gotta say you’re bad and you’re sorry” and Trump was like “suck my dick” and the judge was like “is he allowed to do that?” and a higher court is like “we’ll need three years to look into if he’s allowed to tell you to suck his dick.”

Oh shit, what if this one is about the Mar-a-Lago classified documents thing? Totally forgot about that one. Remember that? Remember how they wrote a whole report about when Biden did it and he had to go on TV and try to remember his son's funeral? Does Trump have to do that? 

There’s some civil cases for sure, or maybe it was racketeering. We don’t know which one of those is a bigger deal, and we’re not going to figure it out in time for this to come out. If we hesitate even half an hour we’ll be scooped by an AI article that aggregates all other articles and throws in a Chicago hotdog joke.


We legitimately tried researching more about everything, but twenty minutes later we found ourselves in another room with no memory of how we got there. Our browser history did show that we performed multiple searches on how to build a boat though. It’s not easy apparently! Like understanding the legal system, or reading news.

Hopefully this one wasn’t really important. If they announced he got the death plenty, we blew it, but we’re pretty sure it’s just going to be another thing that feels like it should matter, but doesn’t, or extremely does. At any rate, everything will probably work out, or not, we should know in about twelve years.

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