Chicago News

Man Technically Doing a Dry January if You Count Lack of Skin Care

As temperatures drop into single and negative degrees, Marshall seems to be holding fast to his avoidance of any kind of skin care, despite peer pressure from his friends who are regularly moisturizing.

Yellow Line Returns, but Hasn’t Seemed the Same Since the Accident

“I heard someone on the platform say something like ‘good to have the Skokie Swift back,’” said Greg Watkaski, 48, a pharmacist, “come on, man, have a little tact. What if the Yellow Line heard you calling it by its nickname from the glory days?”

Salesforce Tower Opens on Wolf Point Just in Time to Get Die-Harded for Christmas

“They shot Jeff, which sucks, but he talked shit to the German guy and that’s the easiest way to get shot during a Die-hard.”

Foxtrot and Dom’s Merge, but Aren’t Renaming to “Domfox”, Furry Chicagoans Outraged

The Chicago furry community however, is left wanting more, as they so often are, upon realizing that the new consolidation won’t be dubbed ‘DomFox.”

Millennium Park Construction Explained: The Bean to Be Replaced With Pickleball Courts

Cloud Gate — affectionately known as “The Bean” to locals — was opened to the public in 2006, and immediately became a must for people looking for free things to do on dates that aren’t going very well.

Woman Crosses Her Arms When Delayed Train Finally Arrives To Show She’s Disappointed

IRVING PARK – This past Thursday, longtime Chicago resident Cassidy Madison, 38, was seen standing at the Brown Line platform, shaking her head with disgust and pointedly pointing at her imaginary

USMC Begins Putting up Flyers for Missing F-35

“F-35s don’t survive too well in the wild,” said LCpl James Anderson, 30, as he slipped a flier under the windshield wiper of a car parked outside the Bojangles just off base. “So the first few days are critical if we want to bring the little guy home.

Kroger Leaves Mariano’s in Cardboard Box Labeled “Free to a Good Home”

“As attached as we’ve become to Mariano’s, someone out there is going to be his forever-home.”

Leading Economist Recommends Priced Out Homebuyers Simply Move to Place That Sucks Ass

“Places with no art scene, places where there’s only one restaurant and it’s called ‘Ketchup on Bread,’ places where everything closes early because a deadly fog rolls in at dusk.” 

Mitch McConnell Affirms He’s Against Term Limits While Wearing Dark Sunglasses, Being Propped Up By Aides

McConnell kept his arms affixed to his two aides and spoke in a trademark southern drawl, but never seemed to actually open his mouth.