AVONDALE – Disaster struck today in this trendy neighborhood, and not because the local bodega was out of Zyn Wintergreen Pouches. Local resident, Amanda Birchnell, 34, accidentally took home a different man from Cermak.
“Look, in my defense,” Birchnell, who is being charged with Circumstantial Kidnapping and Stereotyping, “my boyfriend looks exactly like most of the men in Chicago.”
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Seemingly created in bulk in Wicker Park, the Chicago Boyfriend can be spotted at every Music Box premiere or local Dark Matter, sipping half-caff cortados in their tiny beanies and belt-chain carabiners. You’ve probably stood behind one ordering a PBR at the dive bar, sporting a tasteful mullet that toes the line between androgynous lesbian and honky tonk cowboy. They can often be seen loitering outside of Cole’s Bar in vintage miller lite flat-brim hats and mustard colored corduroy pants. Unfortunately for her, Amanda Birchnell was looking for a hipster needle in an old-money-styled-to-look-poor haystack.
When the authorities questioned Birchnell about the incident, she admitted that it took her several hours to clock that the man she had brought home was not her long-term boyfriend, Jeremy.
“Look, I’d had a long day at work, and he really wanted to tell me about the new Strokes album he’d gotten on vinyl. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary.”
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Police were finally able to track down Jeremy, who was found dizzily walking around someone else’s backyard, scratching Amanda’s name into the garage. He’s suffered no physical or psychological damage, Amanda assures our reporters that this behavior was “classic Jeremy.”
“This whole experience has been so emotionally taxing,” Amanda vented to our staff. “I’m starting a charity to make sure this never has to happen to anyone else. It’s a non-profit that will ensure all Chicago boyfriends develop at least one original personality trait or style choice. It’s called Boyfriends Without Borders.”
We politely pointed out to her that this made it sound like a service for renting out non-monogamous love interests, but she refused to listen.
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Women of Chicago, listen to this harrowing tale and remember, take a second look before you assume that’s your Jake, Mike, or Dave. A lot of people have that same Carhartt jacket, it doesn’t hurt to clock any distinguishing features before scooping up someone else’s boyfriend.
