CHICAGO RIVERFRONT— In a stirring gesture of thanks to Mayor Lori Lightfoot following her devastating defeat in Chicago’s Mayoral runoff Tuesday evening, Chicago’s riverfront bridges surprised downtown denizens early Wednesday by raising skyward in salute.
The stunning display echoed Lightfoot’s own repeated use of the bridges as a kind of medieval threat tactic during her troubled tenure as mayor, but the operators of the city’s eighteen downtown lift bridges clearly had nothing but fond memories of their treatment at the mayor’s hands.
“We only get to pull the levers and turn on the lights a few times a year,” said a wistful Frank Bradley, 52, a longtime bridge operator for the LaSalle St. bridge. “Like when the boats come through, gosh, it’s so fun.” Bradley continued, “and Lori, well, she raised those bridges whenever she felt like it!”
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When asked whether he had any context for why the bridges were raised for hours during the George Floyd protests on May 30, 2020, Bradley scoffed: “No clue! I live under a bridge, and so does my mayor!”
As many struggled to navigate the newly un-navigable river crossings across the Loop area, a few of Chicago’s downtown street racing gangs offered their own tribute to Mayor Lightfoot, speeding through several red lights flying banners that read “THANKS, MAYOR ‘NASCAR’ LIGHTFOOT!”
In a hurried conversation during a three-car pile up, one of these road rascals was heard to remark proudly, “She racked up more speeding tickets than any other mayor, and dammit, she NEVER paid them!”
While the bridges remained proudly raised throughout Wednesday morning, tributes continued to pour in from all corners of the city. Lightfoot supporters donned their census-cowboy hats and proudly declared they had the biggest dicks, and a mysterious masked figure known only as “Rona Destroyer” kept a silent vigil on top of City Hall.
All the while, those bridges remained high. Proud. Lightfoot.
“It’s a great tribute to Lori Lightfoot’s time as Mayor.” said Bradley, wiping away a tear, “sometimes she just liked to make life in Chicago more difficult. We’ll miss that about her.”