THE LOOP — During an architecture cruise tour aboard the First Lady of Chicago, tourists and weirdos who genuinely like history were treated to an especially informative tour from Fred Robiel, 54, a guide for First Lady Cruises for twenty-plus years. Robiel spiced up the hour-long tour for the captive audience by discussing the secret private lives of the buildings that make up Chicago’s famous skyline, including revealing which buildings have slept together.
Throwing away the usual script of pointing out historical architectural achievements along the banks of the Chicago River, Robiel instead launched into revealing, graphic accounts of the buildings’ sexual histories and predilections. According to many aboard the ship the titillating tour “bordered on pornography” for most of the cruise.
“It was such an informative tour,” said Marissa Cushion, 65, who is visiting Chicago with her husband who was so horny from the tour he refused to make eye contact with this Chicago Genius reporter. “I didn’t realize the gold thing on top of the Carbide and Carbon Building was a boner.”
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Large parts of the tour were focused on the web of relationships between the various buildings and who was doing what to who and when. Participants were scandalized to hear the levels of sexual debauchery, betrayal, and passion engaged in by the various skyscraper buildings. According to eyewitnesses, Robiel appeared to briefly get incensed with the Wrigley Building and repeatedly called it “the faux-Spanish slut,” when recalling its torrid affair with Tribune Tower.
“They were made for each other, and I’ll never forgive that terra cotta tramp for throwing it all away for that slick creep 333 West Wacker!” Robiel was heard to say before spitting on the deck in disgust.
First Lady Cruises, which usually doesn’t offer an erotic version of its famous architecture cruise, assured that Robiel’s secret sexual history of Chicago’s skyline was sort of an “off menu option,” not unlike In-N-Out’s “animal style sandwich,” and not an indication of any sort of mental break on the part of the veteran guide.
“Sure, Freddy just got divorced and has been getting into some pretty unconventional stuff in the dating game,” said Capt. Greta VanGreta, 43, captain of the First Lady of Chicago, “But I don’t think his outer life is manifesting in his work in any sort of confessional way. But what do I know, I’m a tour boat captain, not a frickin’ Freud.”
As the hour tour came to an end, Robiel reportedly regaled the group by pointing out which “thing” each building was into. According to Robiel, numerous buildings downtown are foot fetishists, several are into anal play, and one “notable set of twins” had posed nude for a local rock band’s album cover. Reportedly the tour ended with generous tips for Robiel and most passengers agreeing they’d never be able to look at Merchandise Mart the same ever again.