Area Gym Only Letting Members Cancel With Blood Sacrifice to Moloch

October 11, 2021

LINCOLN SQUARE — Following the recent trend in gym membership retention strategies, Chicago Athletic Club has announced that in order for their members to cancel their memberships they must make “a simple one time blood offering to the ancient and powerful bull-headed Canaanite god Moloch”.

“I don’t think people realize that signing up for a gym membership has always been a sacred oath,“ said Kelly Sturgis, 29, gym manager. “And thee that cleave the covenant owe a debt of blood to the blood god. It’s all there on our website.”

Despite the hefty price, their management insists the process is so simple that anyone with enough blood can do it.

“And here’s the best part, it doesn’t even have to be your blood.” claimed Sturgis. “So long as you sincerely pour it on the granite altar we have in the candlelit basement of each of our locations we will consider your contract severed.”

“I don’t mind it so much.“ said gym member Kyle Melanchon, 32, reacting to the new policy. “Before you had to come down and sign a piece of paper that legally states you’re giving up on being hot, so this is somehow less humiliating.”

Gym management still encourages patrons to read the fine print however, with clauses which include a once-a-year commitment to perform hot yoga with Moloch.

“Also there is still a cancellation fee if you did the yearly membership,” said Sturgis, rolling her eyes. “Blood doesn’t pay the bills, it just stops the demon servants of Moloch from burning down the city again. This is still a place of business.”

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